Jeff Can't Run WWE /TEW 2016 Failures, Week by Week

JEFF CAN'T RUN WWE

In a complete copy of Yaz's and Spidey's TEW threads (This one will be different, probably not as good, 100% more mind boggling decisions). The WZCW gang know of my struggles to even get TEW updated and a world mod installed. There will be a 6 part series of these struggles on HBO called - When Idiots try to use a computer- Voiced by Morgan Freeman. But that's in 2020, lets talk about my adventures here.

- WALKING IN TO THE BUILDING---

I walked into WWE a bit overwhelmed by the roster size. In my non world mod I ran this little Canadian promotion with 25 people I was in charge of. This WWE roster has 184. Yes, 184. Holy smack. And some surprise names sprinkled here and there I wasn't expecting, like Eric Bishoff, Devon Dudley, John Laurenitis, Mike Rotunda and Scott Stanford. What in the hell am I going to do with all these backstage hands?

First order of business is to end the brand split. Not an easy task, you have to go and change ever active wrestler to none instead of show specific, not gonna do it, that'll take way too long. I'll just do it when needed, plus some people like Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar have stipulations in their contracts where they can only be on Raw. (Brock can't be in anything lower than Main Event matches).

Now on to the number of championships, have to greatly reduce that.

The WWE had:

Universal
Cruiserweight
Raw Tag Team
Smackdown Tag
Raw Womans
Smackdown Womans
Us Title
IC Title
Womans tag team

Time to adjust this a little:

WWE Champion
Woman's World Champion
Woman's European Champion
World Tag Team Champions
IC Champ
US Champ

Six is more manageable and with the brand split gone, no need for Smackdown titles of any kind. Universal is the big one to delete, hopefully the loyal belt followers won't turn away from the product.

The Tag Team Division

Woman's tag team wrestling is dead, dissolved any woman's teams. With the cruiserweight division dead as well, I moved some of them into tag teams.

Anderson and Gallows
Elias Entertainment ( EC3 has a new music gimmick)
Gable and Kendrick ( already have good chemistry)
Gallagher and Young
Gulak and Nese
Hawkins and Ryder
Heavy Machinery
Mojo Rawley and R-Truth
The Ascension
The Authors of Pain
The B Team
The Colons 2
Liberators (Dolph Ziggler and Sami Zayn)
The New Day
The Revival
Singh Brothers
The Usos's
Viking Raiders
Titus Worldwide (Titus and Apollo)
Lucha House Party

Huge division fighting over one tag team championship.

Dissolved Rusev and Nakamora
Dissolved Ricochet and Black

Stables

Lucha House Party
New Day

Will soon change.

Current Champions

WWE Champion : Kofi Kingston
World Woman's Champion: Becky Lynch
WWE Woman's European: VACANT
World Tag Team Champions: The Revival
IC Champion: Finn Balor
US Champion: Ricochet

Some final tinkering before the first show...

Eager to get a show booked so I can sink this motherfucker.....I mean build WWE up to even higher heights, I renewed Rino's contract, he's getting old and beaten up so I said he didn't have to work house shows anymore. What a good guy I am. To prove how generous I am, I gushed at Nikki Bella wanting a role in the company, so I randomly made her a manager for Dolph Ziggler. Soon formed Liberators with Sami Zayn after that. Dolph owes me for revamping his career. I see that I have to get all this done because tonight I have to book a three hour Raw on my first day. I wrote a few storylines to use. Sent Booker T to Smackdown on a varied commentary role swapping out Saxton in some matches. Saw Jerry Lawler in the hall, ignored him. I'll probably use him to commentate house shows. lol.

Drum Role please......

MONDAY NIGHT RAW

Coming to you live from the Reynolds Coliseum jam packed to the rafters with 8,998 fans!

Opening Segment: New Day come to the ring. Kofi Kingston tells us about his journey, what brought him here and why he will have a long reign as WWE Champion. Big E and Xavier Woods are miffed that he didn't mention them. A scuffle ensues and bad blood arises within The New Day.

C-

(Notes will be shortened to most important)

Storyline "New Day Explodes" Has started.
Xavier helped Kofi during that segment.
The segment got the show off to a strong start.

Gallagher n Young vs The Authors of Pain : Abysmal match, Razar grabbed Young and submitted him in 4:55.

E

Gallagher was off his game.
Maverick did good at ringside.
Everyone was terrible, getting E ratings
This match cooled the crowd off.


Drew MacIntyre vs Robert Roode In a poor match, Drew finished off Roode with a Claymore kick at 5:37. But what's this? Bray Wyatt attacks Drew after the match!

D

The match cooled the crowd even more
"Drew vs Wyatt" storyline started with this match



My big intro segment : Here comes Jeff to the ring, the new ruler of all WWE. He doesn't waste time and introduces the newest stable The Balor Club , AJ Styles, Finn Balor, Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows.

D

Jeff is getting better at his gimmick.
Finn Balor turned heel during this segment

The Revival vs Cedric Alexander and No Way Jose.


: Abysmal match, Tag team champion Dash Wilder applied a reverse figure four lock on No Way Jose to submit him in 7:23. EC3 slipped in the ring and attacked Wilder then ran off.

E+

Poorly placed wild brawl match, a wild brawl needs to be when the crowds are already buzzing, this crowd is practically frozen.
Everyone got E ratings except Wilder who had a D rating.
"Elias Entertainment" Storyline got started with this match.

Shane McMahon segment: Here comes Shane McMahon to the ring. He goes on that he's the Best in the World...but suddenly changes his tune to best MAN in the world. A position a woman could never hold. Charlotte Flair comes out and kicks his ass all over the ring.

D+

"Charlotte defies McMahons" storyline has started with this segment.




Bobby Lashley vs Akira Tozawa in a hardcore match.: In a Terrible Match, Lashley speared Tozawa for a pin at 10:29.

D-

The chaos of the match helped hide how awful Akira was performing.
Match didn't sit well with the crowd. Shocker.


Bobby Lashley immediately sent me a text saying he doesn't like Hardcore matches, when I ignored him, Tozawa had the balls to text me and complain that he isn't suited for hardcore matches either. Lucky he's even on the card.

Segment: Heath Slater hits the ring and challenges Brock Lesnar to a match, Brock comes out and accepts his challenge. Brock gets in the ring and flings his sweat at Heath, knocking him out cold.


D-

Brock looked good.

Heath sold the sweat attack great.
Jeff will forget he ever booked this segment.

Samoa Joe vs Kane : In a poor match, Samoa Joe ended Kane with a Muscle Buster at 6:06. Joe got on the mic and says big things are coming for him on Smackdown.

D+

Nothing of note.



Paul Haymen Segment : Paul hits the ring, he says that his client looks stronger than ever. Then he says he has a New Client he just signed on with. His new client will be revealed next week on Monday Night Raw.

B+

This angle got the crowd hotter.




Continuing Paul segment : Before Paul can even get out of the ring, Seth Rollins comes out and says nobody cares about Paul Haymen or his stupid new client.

C

This crowd got hotter again.

Sami Zayn vs Baron Corbin : Poor match, Baron Corbin cheated to win with a foreign object to beat Sami at 21:11.

D

Sami and Corbin just don't click and it showed.
Poorly placed match, the crowd was already hot and didn't need to be worked.
Corbin's conditioning showed as he got tired coming on the end.


Bliss Segment: Bliss attacks Alicia Fox after hearing that she want's to be next Woman's European Champion. Fox fights off Bliss and stands tall.

E

This angle brought the crowd down
The "Euro War" storyline started with this match.


The Jeff Actually Booked Tamina Match- Tamina vs Natalya : No surprise, abysmal match. Nattie whooped Tamina's ass then applied the sharpshooter to tap her out at 3:45.

E+

Commentary gave the match a boost
Jeff wrote - Fire Tamina- on a sheet of paper and put it in his pocket

The Uso's vs Lucha House party members Metalik and Kalisto : A terrible match, Uso's where like "What the fuck are you guys doing?" All match and beat them at 9:58 with a Double Samoan Splash.

D

Uso's looked great
Lucha House party were awful with E+ performances. Jeff was heard screaming - To the house shows with you!-


Segment:: The Balor Club are hanging out backstage, being cool and making fun of people as they walk by.

C-

Lol, Luke Gallows somehow fucked up his lines in a very short segment with a script to follow.
Finn Balor hinted at a future heel turn. Jeff was confused and will have to talk to him, he already turned heel earlier. Stupid Finn.
Finn Balor was very poor at trying to improvise dialog, Jeff will probably forget to script him in the future.


Segment to appeal to Attitude Era males: : Mandy Rose is in the ring, bragging that she'll be the new European Woman's champion. Sarah Logan hits the ring, doesn't bother talking and just strips Mandy Rose to her underwear.

C-

"Euro War" Storyline advanced with this segment.
Cory Graves was heard to pass out on commentary and knock his mic over.



Titus O Neil vs Brawn Strowman: In a wild brawl, Brawn Strowman defeated Titus with a reverse chokeslam at 13:02. A handheld cam backstage is watching the match on a monitor, who is interested in this match?! Find out next week on RAW! (lol)

D-

Commentary boosted the match.
Titus was shitty with an E rating.
Strowman did his best with a C.



THE MAIN EVENT! AJ and Finn vs Ricochet and Ali : In a poor match, AJ Styles pinned Ali with a Styles Clash after Gallows and Anderson interfered at 22:55.

D

AJ Styles was head and shoulders above the rest in performance.
Ali struggled to keep up with everyone.
The match was too long, given it's aim
Ali was tiring coming on the end ( Come ON dude! One more infraction and...)
Ali was really off his game (O.K that's it, must be the last Ali bash right?)
Ali and Ricochet did not work well as a team. (I wonder why, Ali and his damn shittyness!)
Ali had an E+ rating.




Didn't catch my overall show rating, I think it was in the D- area. Coming up next.....a quick Main Event then a Smackdown show! What will happen, Samoa Joe made a big promise, will New Day continue to bicker? What about this Euro Woman's feud? Becky Lynch is advertised to be on the show, don't miss it!!!!

JEFF CAN'T RUN WWE --- THE VERY NEXT NIGHT

Ugh! I have to book Main Event too? I just randomly throw a bunch of no names in matches and tag matches. Not even noticing I have Long Island Iced Z Zack Ryder in the second last match and the Main Event vs Jinder Mahal. Zack Ryder is heroic on this night and wins both matches. I also called up Pete Dunn vs Buddy Murphy to see how they would do, E match.

Now on to the important show....

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Edwin W Pawley


Attendance 8,338

Opening match: Alexa Bliss vs Sarah Logan - European Woman's Championship Match: In a terrible match, Alexa Bliss defeated Sarah Logan with Sparkle Splash after an interference by Liv Morgan. Bliss is the new champion!

E

Poor way to start the show
Euro War advances (Actually dies) with this segment

Segment: The Game comes out and announces the Main Event for tonight, It's WWE Woman's Champion, The Man Becky Lynch, teaming with Bayley vs Asuka and Kairi Sane.

D-

Triple H and Steph have good chemistry.
(????) Story has started with this segment


Roman Reigns vs Shinsuke Nakamora : In a decent match, Roman wins at 8:21 by count out.

C

Nothing notable except that the match deserved better announcing.

Segment: Rusev debuts: Talking with Rusev: His first host, Kevin Owens. K.O continues to insult Rusev until the Bulgarian can't take it anymore and attacks.

C

Rusev worked the crowd well
Lana helped Rusev
KO did a masterful job at improvising interactions with the crowd
The segment deserved better announcing (Again?)



Rusev vs Kevin Owens : In a decent match, Kevin Owens defeated Rusev with a pop up powerbomb at 14:35.

C

Rusev was tiring coming on the end.

Heavy Machinery vs Anderson and Gallows : In a terrible match, Anderson and Gallows defeated Heavy Machinery at 6:11 with Magic Killer.

D+

Otis is not suited to his gimmick
E's for Machinery
C and D for Balor Club



Segment: Elias Entertainment hold a celebration concert to celebrate the beginning of Elias Entertainment. EC3 shows the world his harmonica skills, World Tag Team Champions The Revival spoil the party and beat the shit out of both of them!

D

EC3 worked the crowd well, using the freedom to improvise to his advantage
Elias clearly enjoyed the freedom to go off script
"Elias Entertainment" Storyline advanced


Big E vs Xavier Woods: In an upset victory, Xavier Woods defeated Big E at 17:47 with Lost in the Woods. Kofi Kingston replaced a knocked out ref and seemed to favor Big E during the contest.

D+

Big E seemed off his game
"New Day Explodes" Storyline advances


Segment : AJ Styles tells Finn Balor he's a good leader backstage.

C

Finn Balor used subtle mannerisms to hint at a future heel turn.
(Jeff is seen holding up a card reading - Just be heel already-)

Alistair Black vs Adrade: In a sub par match, Andrade defeated Black at 12:59 with a La Sombra.

D

Black D
Andrade C


Segment: Samoa Joe hits the ring, he says that Kane was a piece of cake on Monday. He wants a real challenge, he challanges The Undertaker. The lights go out and Taker appears in the ring. Challenge accepted!

B

Undertaker did a masterful job of improvising interactions with the crowd.
"Joe vs Taker" Storyline started with this segment.

MAIN EVENT !! Bayley n Lynch vs Asuka n Sane : Bayley wins for their team after hitting Sane with Bayley to belly at 10:25.

D-

Bayley looked good
C's all around

Segment: : Post match Lynch offers a handshake to Bayley, she accepts but then KNOCKS BECKY OUT with a cheap punch!!

D-

"Becky vs Bayley" Storyline gained heat with this segment.

End of show.

E Rating.

The show was so awesome it gained popularity in 3 regions....and lost popularity in 42 regions.

It was so bad that the world news next day had an article just called Smackdown review where the viewers called the show crap.


Well that's it for this episode! See what happens the few days before Raw then Monday Night Raw next!!

JEFF Can't Run WWE - TEW 2016 Failures----


The fallout from Smackdown is still being felt around the globe, or for flat earther's, across the square. Smackdown is Crap Memes have popped up everywhere and my email is exploding with angry fans wanting my head. Now let's see what interesting things happened between Wed to the next Raw....

Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun......


I got the shows out of the way, fairly epic failure. Time to get some rest, reload and get stuff done.

I heard a rumor that Eric Young and Victoria Crawford have been getting along very well backstage recently. (Have to look up who Victoria Crawford is later.)

In some news from around the globe, or for the flat earther's ...ah nevermind: Tony Atlas has announced that he's decided to finally hang up those wrestling boots at a young age of 75 fucking years old. I didn't even know he was still alive! He was actually wrestling this whole time, and still has three months of dates to continue before officially retiring! Man those must be some BAD matches!

I fiddle around and find out I can actually end the brand split in an option. Done.

Lets look around and see if there's any interesting free agents for hire:

Abdulla The Butcher 78 Years old. Ah, no thanks lol.

KC Warfield : Signed a contract with me.

Richie Steamboat: No longer involved with wrestling. (So why is he listed....?)

Orange Cassidy: Signed a contract with me.

Orbit Adventure Ant: Signed a contract with me.

Gene Snitski: Health not up to snuff, not worth the hassle.

Now it's time to deal with the elephant in the room....

Tamina: YOU'RE FI.....sent down to NXT to work on your character. (I'll probably never bring her back. But at least she'll still be employed. I'm such a nice guy!)

All this is done...then Sunday rolls around....the NXT roster and others in development knew this was a day of rest for me, so they decided to piss me off and flood my emails! Check this out in one day....

Cathy Kelley Relocation
Steve Cutler Request
Keith Lee Development
Robert Strauss development
Roderick Strong development
Scott Garland development
Drake Wuertz development
Hartley Jackson development
KUSHIDA Development




All these people begging for jobs suddenly, I have enough on my plate right now to be worried about the future of the company. I have to extinguish these fires I started with Raw and Smackdown somehow. Be patient you rookies!


Now let's get rolling! Drum roll please.....

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We are LIVE at the All State Arena with a not jam packed house of 8495 mildly interested fans!

Opening segment: Bobby Lashley comes out and threatens to leave WWE if he doesn't get decent competition. Brock Lesnar comes out and challenges Bobby to a match later on TONIGHT!

B

Paul Heyman helped Brock in the segment
Brock n Paul work well together.
Bobby Lashley underperformed.
This got off the show to a hot start
The angle got the crowd hotter (I'm sure I can cool them down.)



Cesaro vs Sheldon Benjamin: In a sub par match, Cesaro defeated Sheldon at 6:29 with the Neutralizer.

D

The announcing lifted the match.

Segment : Paul Heyman comes back out and apologizes for Cesaro's BORING match and announces that BROCK LESNAR will appear on Talking with Rusev on the next Smackdown!

B

This angle got the crowd hotter again.



Segment: Paul apologizes, after a commercial break, he wasn't done. His NEW Client will be here later tonight!

B -

No comments

Aleister Black vs AJ Styles : In a decent match, AJ Styles defeated Black at 12:44 with Styles Clash. Ricochet came out after the match and attacked AJ Styles, then attacked Black too!

C-

AJ Styles looked good
"US Title Triple Threat" Storyline advanced with this match.

(I booked AJ Styles to LOSE this match vs Black, but he sent me a message pissed off! Styles did NOT want to lose this particular match! So I said fuck it, I left the winner open.)

Charlotte Flair vs Ember Moon : In a terrible match, Charlotte defeated Ember Moon at 8:25 with the Figure 8 Leglock submission. Shane McMahon interfered in the match but Charlotte ducked and he punched Ember Moon by accident!

D +

Ember Moon was really off her game.
"Charlotte vs McMahon" Storyline has advanced with this segment.

Segment: A ten minute long Firefly Funhouse segment with special guest....Drew McIntyre! Drew could only hold his anger in check for so long, he snapped and punched puppets and pushed Bray Wyatt through the wall on the set. The lights went out, Fiend Wyatt appeared and gave Drew a Sister Abagail through the buzzards box.

D-

"Drew vs Bray" Storyline advanced with this segment.

WWE Champion Kofi Kingston vs Daniel Bryan: In a decent match, Daniel Bryan defeated Kofi Kingston at 10:23 with the Labelle Lock after interference by Xavier Woods.

C

Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan don't seem to click and it made for an awkward bout. (This game sometimes, I swear)
"New Day Explodes" Storyline continues with this match and gained heat.



Daniel Bryan messaged me after the match, bitched about not wanting to work with Rowan anymore. I told him he just beat the WWE Champion and to go tell the giant himself that he doesn't want to work with him.

Braun Strowman vs The Miz : After a week of taunting Braun on twitter, Strowman defeated him with a reverse chokeslam at 5:48. Randy Orton surprise attacked Braun with an RKO!

C-

The Miz was really off his game.
"Orton vs Braun" Storyline started with this match.



Segment: Jeff comes out and names Asuka the new number one contender for Alexa Bliss's Woman's European Championship!

E

The angle brought the crowd down.
People chanted Jeff Sucks the entire time.

World Tag Team Championship- Elias Entertainment vs The Revival : Elias rolled up Scott Dawson at 7:39 in a terrible match to become the new World Tag Team Champions!

D -

Elias was off his game (Even though he got the pinfall)
"Elias Entertainment" Storyline advanced and gained heat with this match.


Segment: Jeff has a big contract signing for Finn Balor vs Ali for the Intercontinental Championship. Both men sign then brawl.

D -

Commentary helped the segment
The angle cooled the crowd
"Making the leap Ali" Storyline advanced with this segment

Segment: The new Punk Rocker Bayley comes out to the ring. she explains her actions and tries to make fun of Becky, it really sucks. The Man Lynch comes out and brawls with her.

C-

Bayley is not suited to her new gimmick (Huge surprise)
"Bayley vs Becky" Storyline advanced with this segment


The Uso's vs The Viking Raiders: In a sub par match, The Uso's defeated Viking Raiders with the double samoan splash at 10:28.

D+

Uso's always work well together.


Lars Sullivan vs Baron Corbin : In a terrible match, Baron Corbin squashed Lars at 4:34 with End of Days!

D

The announcing gave this match a boost.


Segment: The Balor Club are seen backstage playing Football and knocking regular staff around.

C-

AJ Styles improvised well throughout the segment.
Finn Balor struggled to read his lines off of a page in front of him.
Luke Gallows improvised his lines well.
AJ Styles looked good.
AJ Styles got three touchdowns for his team with Finn,
AJ Styles won - Best of the segment - Award
Finn Balor (Once again) hinted at a possible future heel turn with this segment, doing menacing glares at the camera at the wrong time

Segment: The camera pans over to Heavy Machinery, they get interviewed backstage but Author's of Pain interrupt the interview. Balor Club could still be heard in the background loudly playing Football.

D -

Otis is not suited to his gimmick? (huh?)
Tucker is getting better at his gimmick
This angle cooled the crowd.
Maverick helped Akam in this segment



Heavy Machinery vs Author's of Pain - A backstage brawl erupts, it's absolutely terrible as Tucker pins Rezar by pinfall at 6:58.

D-

Match was poorly placed.
Maverick and Akam have no chemistry together.
Otis still isn't suited to his gimmick.


Now here's a match with four big tough guys, what do you think happens? ALL four message me crying after the match, WAHHHH !!! I don't like hardcore matches!! WAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Fuck you guys, toughen up.

Segment: Backstage Sami Zayn intercepts a thrown football and almost runs into Zelina Vega. He flirts with her and asks her out. She turns him down quickly.

C-

No comments


Brock Lesnar vs Bobby Lashley: In a short match, Brock defeats Bobby with an F5 at 5:24. Cesaro runs in after the match and hits Brock with an F5 of his own!

C+

This match drifted a little (It was a little over 5 minutes long, how could it have time to drift? lol)
"Cesaro vs Brock" Storyline started with this match


MAIN EVENT! - Seth Rollins vs Andrade : In a match that had good wrestling but not much heat, Seth Rollins defeated Andrade by cheating and grabbing the ropes for a pinfall at 18:18. A shocking bit of events by the face wrestler resorting to heel tactics....

SPEAR to Seth Rollins by Roman Reigns!!!!! Paul Heyman comes on the Titan tron with a big shit eating grin on his face as Roman Reigns stands over Seth Rollins with a menacing stare.



Seth Rollins is not suited to his gimmick? (interesting)
Andrade was really off his game
This match got the crowd buzzing
"Roman the new Heyman Guy" Storyline started with this match


Show rating - D

The crowd was unhappy that none of the matches had any storytelling. WWE lost another 42 regions of popularity.

Tune in to another episode next time as we head to Smackdown where Brock Lesnar is advertised to appear on Talking with Rusev!
, The Intercontinental Champion Finn Balor will be in action as well as a another Elias Entertainment celebration, this time with World Tag Team Gold!!

JEFF CAN'T RUN WWE


After the dust settled it's now time to book the ever exciting MAIN EVENT. I tilt my head to the side and say, "Nah, computer can do it." I take off the available important wrestlers and press AUTO BOOK. Nothing of note is booked ......wait a second! The opening segment?!.....


The opening segment featured a brawl with Mike Kanellis and Triple H! Lol! Ah I'll leave that there. Main Event fans will be pleased.

I forgot to mention, before MAIN EVENT, even though neither guy was actually on the show.....Karl Anderson and Kurt Angle had a backstage incident that had to be addressed. He was brought to wrestlers court for being cocky and boasting around the locker room. Kurt Angle found him guilty and he had to be silent for the rest of the night and buy drinks for everyone after the show. With 184 people on staff (Everyone went too) Karl Anderson spent roughly 1,196 dollars on drinks for everyone. Thanks Kurt!

Now on to...WORLD NEWS! (Echo)

IMPACT Fire Konnan! It was simply a cut back on the size of the roster. But sources close to the brand say there may be financial troubles going on.

IMPACT Fire Tessa Blanchard! Impact stated that it was a business move because of their giant roster.

Jeff immediately gets on the phone with Tessa Blanchard and offers her a contract with WWE.

Time to CHECK THE EMAILS!!! (Echo)

WWE Raw got a TV rating of 20.41.

Another company is threatening to sign KC Warfield.

8 Television Companies are UNHAPPY with the product I've been putting out on TV.

I think it's time to make Roman Reigns a Brute Enforcer Gimmick. Done.

O.K, time to book Smackdown......

Wait a second! Apparently Ricochet has been tapping my phones because he sends me a text saying that he doesn't want me to bring Tessa Blanchard to WWE because they were in a relationship that ended badly and could create backstage drama. Whoa!

Now...it's time for .......

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We are live from the Andy Kerr Stadium with 6,154 people on hand to watch the action.

Opening Segment: Talking with Rusev starts the show, we can see the popularity of it now as Rusev is all dressed up in a gray suit and Lana looks professional, he has a leather couch set up and desk just like Letterman. Brock Lesnar comes out and makes screaming noises, Rusev jokes about it but Paul Heyman saves his client. Too bad for Cesaro though as he comes out and mumbles a bunch of shit nobody understands.

C

Lana helped Rusev
Lana and Rusev have good chemistry
Brock Lesnar was very poor when trying to improvise dialog
Paul Heyman helped Lesnar
Brock n Paul are good chums
Cesaro struggled because other people weren't following a script (Example : Brock Lesnar will VICTOMIZE YOU CESARO! Cesaro responded with highly detailed events from his childhood that really made no sense, but was smooth and precise.)
The angle got the crowd hotter
Brock Lesnar looked good
"Brock vs Cesaro" Storyline advanced with this segment.

Liberators (Ziggler/Sami w Nikki) vs Colons 2: In a match that had sub par wrestling with little heat, Sami Zayn defeated Primo Colon with a Heluva Kick at 18:12. In terms of in ring work, Sami was head and shoulders above everyone else. Liberators wore their new matching ring gear of bright blue and red stars.

D-

Nikki Bella did some good work at ringside (She was barely dressed)
Dolph Ziggler and Nikki Bella got into a personal argument on camera that was really awkward for everyone watching
Sami Zayn was a damn hero during this match and came out of it looking good.


Dolph Ziggler sends me a text right after the match, he doesn't want to be managed by Nikki Bella anymore. (Wow, that was fast! Lol!)

I break the news to Nikki in her locker room, she doesn't even care and flirts with me. Yes!

Segment: Vince McMahon comes out to a big pop followed by Triple H (Who still has blood all over his DX shirt from killing Mike Kanellis for no reason on MAIN EVENT) Vince recaps what has happened so far in the show, after 25 seconds Triple H tells him he's worried that after the Triple threat between Ricochet (Cheer), AJ Styles (Cheer) and Aleister Black......I said Aleister Black......(COMMERCIAL BREAK) ....anyway, after they fight for the U.S Title, there will be no number one contender left to challenge whoever survives that match! Vince says he has Jeff on speed dial, he phones me. My phone doesn't ring (The fuckin LIAR!) and he pretends to talk to me. He books a 20 Man Battle Royal for tonight's Main Event, the winner will be the future U.S Championship Number One Contender!

B-

Vince McMahon lied several times during that segment
The angle got the crowd hotter


Roman Reigns vs Bo Dallas : In a short squash, Roman Reigns speared Bo Dallas so hard he shat his pants at 1:38.

D-

Paul Haymen did a good job at ringside (For 1:38, man he made that cash tonight! Must've did a quick cartwheel or something.)
Roman Reigns had an in ring performance of C+ (For his few punches and spear)



Segment: In a video promo, Samoa Joe hypes up his eventual encounter with the Undertaker, he's walking through a graveyard with fog all around,
he mentions that he will end the Undertakers career!

C+

Joe vs Taker" Advanced during this segment.


In a - I Don't know what to book here- match: Rowan vs Apollo Crews vs Xavier Woods vs Harper: Xavier Woods beats Harper at 7:11 with a Shining Wizard.

D

Apollo Crews was off his game
Commentary did good.


Heath Slater vs The Velveteen Dream: In a match that had absolutely zero crowd reactions and terrible wrestling, Heath Slater defeated Velveteen Dream with Smash Hit at 5:28.

E+

The match was poorly placed, the crowd was already hot and didn't need working.
The Velveteen Dream had an in ring performance of FUCKING TERRIBLE!
Slater was a D

Adam Cole vs Shinsuke Nakamora: In a match with sub par wrestling, Nakamora defeated Cole with Kinshasa at 5:25.

D

The match was poorly placed, a red hot crowd is not going to be excited for a match designed to gently lift them. In a SCF LD, people claimed they were gently lifted so I don't believe these reports.

Shinsuke Nakamora was really off his game.

Segment: Elias Entertainment make fun of the two prior matches, saying Dream and Cole need to go back to NXT and work on their game. They run a World Tag Team Championship Celebration Concert with the titles on display, Elias sings and plays guitar while EC3 sings one phrase every now and then. Elias ends the segment by saying "I really hope we don't get any more fucking lame NXT guys on the show tonight!"

C-

" Elias Entertainment" Storyline has advanced and gained heat.
EC3 improvised well throughout the segment
Elias did a masterful job improvising his lines

Pete Dunne vs Matt Riddle : In quite possibly the Worst Match of the Year, Matt Riddle defeated Pete Dunne at 11:22 by submission with Bromission.

F+

The crowd were completely turned off by having a match between two jobbers on the main show.
The match brought the crowd down
The match suffered due to it's booking, there simply wasn't enough time to create a spectacle.
Pete Dunne and Matt Riddle have great chemistry together
Goldberg Tweeted that Matt Riddle couldn't tie his showe laces, but he misspelled -Shoe- botching his Tweet.
Riddle replied to Goldberg's tweet with - You fucked up, you fucked up -

MAIN EVENT!!! 20 Man Battle Royal!! Akam, Tozawa, Andrade, Ariya Daivari, Baron Corbin, Brian Kendrick, Buddy Murphy, Cedric Alexander, Chad Gable, Drew Gulak, Eric Young, Jinder Mahal, Kane, Matt Hardy, Robert Roode, R-Truth, The Miz, Titus O Neil, Tony Nese and Zack Ryder:[/B]

In possibly the worst Battle Royal in history, it came down to Kane, Matt Hardy, Baron Corbin, Cedric Alexander and Robert Roode. Cedric eliminated Roode but did a big rope dive to attack him after, stupidly eliminating himself. (And you want to rise up the card, ya right Cedric!) Kane gave Matt and Corbin a double chokeslam over the ropes eliminating them both making Kane's elimination count 15 for the match. Kane went to chokeslam The Miz for the win but The Miz redirected Kane's arm to Kane's own throat and the Big Red Machine chokeslammed himself over the top ropes! The Miz wins the Battle Royale at 27:54 to become the Future Number One Contender for the Us Title!!

D+

Half the people in the match were off their game.
Jinder Mahal started speaking clear Canadian during the match, ruining the illusion of his gimmick
Even though half the arena left, the people that stayed started to enjoy the show...then it ended.





SHOW RATING D-

Primo and Epico were used too much? They were in one match? lol. Lost another 42 regions.

---------

Wednesday to Sunday----

Now to deal with some shit before next Monday Night Raw......

Signed KC Warfield to a new contract.

Signed Orange Cassidy to a new contract.

Signed Orbit Adventure Ant to a new contract.

Signed Tessa Blanchard to a new contract........ (Fallout to follow)

EMAILS.......

Cedric Alexander wants better opportunities. (SPAM!)
Akam is unhappy. (Delete!)
More TV Companies are unhappy.

Now here comes Ricochet, he's ANNOYED that I signed Tessa Blanchard. I suggested that he fuck off.
O.k, O.k Champ, you are the U.S Champ....here, take a week off and hell, here's $1,400 bucks I had rattling around in change in my pocket O.K? Now shut up.

R-Truth goes behind my back and signs a one night deal with NXT. What is that crazy guy up to now?

Here comes RICOCHET again, still not happy that I signed Tessa Blanchard! Really man? I gave you a week off and 1,400 in change just a day ago! Cripes man, here's a gold bar, it's valued at $2600, NOW are you happy Mr. Crypants?!

Ember Moon is pregnant! The gall of her! I didn't book that! Maybe I'll put her in a hardcore match....nah. I gave her 6 months off. What a nice guy I am. Should be enough for a birthing segment on a future Smackdown.

Here comes Cedric Alexander again, I gave him 0 dollars and time off. That was good enough to calm his jets.

Phew! I can finally sit back and re.....

Here comes Akam, unhappy outside E-Mails now. Jesus. I throw $1.600 right in his face. He likes money.

I go to take a drink of Iced Tea when .....

Here comes Taylor Rotunda looking for a PAY RAISE! Dammit! I give her a 75% pay raise (Whoever she is, probably somebody pretending to work for the company for all I know, I just want to be left alone)

To stop the annoying E Mails I recall Roderick Strong from NXT, as well as Adam Cole, The Velveteen Dream, Johnny Gargano, Tommaso Ciampa / I barely know what to do with the Main Roster that I have, here I go signing more people to ruin their lives too.



Here comes motherfucking RICOCHET AGAIN UNHAPPY I SIGNED TESSA BLANCHARD !!! (Nah just kidding, he seems happy.....for now!)


Tune in next time for the BEST and WORST Monday Night Raw in HISTORY!!!!!!!

JEFF CAN'T RUN WWE - TEW 2016 FAILURES

SPECIAL EDITION

Yes, we are back ladies and gentlemen if you haven't followed this show yet, please hit the subscribe button down below, pleeease! Wait, this isn't some Youtube thing where the host begs for subscribers, this is wrestling!!

Now let's move on to Monday Night Raw.....

Oh, quick world news item before we start Raw....Jesse The Body Ventura retired from wrestling recently, he is 67 and the news broke somewhere in Minnesota on a radio program nobody listens to at 4 AM.

Now....back to Monday Night Raw.....

http://i57.tinypic.com/nxqty9.jpg

We are live in front of 7,618 people at Armstrong Stadium!

Segment: Nikki Bella's music hits and she climbs in the ring, she has her wrestling gear on. She talks about Real Bella's of Bel Air (Or whatever the hell the name of that show is) and also plugs Total Diva's for 8 minutes. She starts talking about how much she's been craving Jeff since last week when we cut to COMMERCIAL!

D+

The announcing quality lifted the segment

Segment: After commercial, Nikki is still in the ring talking about Jeff when - Electric Avenue- blares out and Jeff walks out to the stage with a blanket tucked under his arm. Jeff announces that he and Nikki Bella are going to have a Sexual Encounter right in the middle of the ring! Nikki really gets into it and commentary do their best to call the action at 10:00 then COMMERCIAL!

E

Commentary did well describing the positions
This angle brought the crowd down


Segment: Jeff and Nikki Bella (Now with head mics on) after commercial, are still going at it in the ring. The crowds are chanting - You still got it- to Nikki. Jeff announces that he is done at the 15:00 mark, Nikki sells it well.

E+

Jeff was very poor when trying to improvise dialog
Nikki Bella improvised well throughout the segment
The angle cooled the crowd a little
Bobby Lashley went on Twitter and announced that Nikki Bella is now his manager.


Segment: After a slew of commercials, a sweaty Jeff is seen walking the backstage area, he is concerned that his wrestling ideas are not connecting with the fans. Randy Orton walks into the shot. "You know what these people like Jeff? Iron Man matches, that is the one thing they will praise you for...and if it was Braun Strowman vs Baron Corbin for an hour, they'd love you even more!" Jeff nods and writes it down.

D

At the announce desk, Renee Young was very weak (After witnessing Sexual Encounter for 30 plus minutes, who can blame her!)
The angle cooled the crowd even more, some were starting to freeze
Jeff underperformed
Randy Orton was a real star in this segment.



60 Minute Iron Man match - Braun Strowman vs Baron Corbin : In a match that had a decent reaction from the crowd despite 20 minute rest holds, an exhausted Braun Strowman rolled over and draped his arm over a soaking wet Baron Corbin for the win at 60:00, he won 3 to 2.

F

Brawn Strowman and Baron Corbin were barely able to complete the match due to exhaustion
The match fell apart after a bit, with no rhyme or reason to the moves
The match went on far too long given its aim
Poorly placed match, a wild brawl needs the right crowd.


Pat Patterson e mailed me and said that Braun and Baron need to be better booked than that and to smarten the hell up. I got pissed and told Randy Orton to follow me to the ring....

Segment: Jeff and Randy come out, Jeff asks Randy if Corbin got a shoulder up there at the end, Randy says he saw it, Corbin kicked out. Braun and Corbin are leaning on the ropes, wondering what is going on. "I rule this a NO CONTEST. ReSTART the match!"

D+

No comments

60 Minute Iron Man Match - Baron Corbin vs Braun Strowman : In a match that somehow still had a decent crowd reaction despite both wrestlers just laying on the mat for most of the match, Baron Corbin pinned Braun Strowman 3 to 2 at the 60:00 mark. The one fan left popped hard for Baron Corbin.

E

Both were barely able to compete due to exhaustion
Baron Corbin seemed off his game (Odd, I wonder why??)
The match was too long


Now it's Jeff Jarrett sending me messages saying they need to be booked better. I asked how Jeff Jarrett slipped through the cracks, I didn't know he still worked here.

Show rating E -

Nothing notable, lost another 42 regions.

Coming up next, Main Event time!!!

Before I can even press auto book, Roman Reigns sneaks behind my back and joins NXT on loan! Wtf? My TOP guy just went to work for the farm team. The gall of that enforcing heel.

Checking the emails.....Raw got a 14.12 TV Rating.

All the TV networks are completely pissed. Unannounced porn probably did it there.

Braun Strowman and Baron Corbin are still exhausted. Big whoop.

Backstage altercation at MAIN EVENT! Samoa Joe left all his tacos all over the floor in the dressing room. Judge Kurt Angle brought Joe to wrestlers court and had him clean it up, then buy drinks for everyone after the show. What an asshole! Dude just does this now to get everyone loaded for free!

Nothing memorable happened on MAIN EVENT....now it's time for.....

http://i58.tinypic.com/2jac11k.jpg

We are live from Hec Edmunston Pavillion with 7,810 people on hand to watch the action!

Intercontinental Championship cage match - Finn Balor vs Mustafa Ali : In a poor match, Finn Balor pinned Ali at 14:33 with 1916! Finn's first IC Title defence.

D+

Finn Balor and Ali have great chemistry and it showed during their performance
The "Finn vs Ali" Storyline advanced during this match


Segment: Talking with Rusev with special guest, WWE Champion Kofi Kingston with Big E and Xavier. Xavier provided Kofi with a plate of pancakes to throw out - One last time- In a touching moment, Kofi took the cakes and started firing them into the crowds, but people were getting slashed open and injured! Xavier froze the pancakes!

C

Rusev did not do well without a script to follow
Lana helped Rusev with her script
Kofi Kingston improvised well during this segment
Big E struggled going off script
"New Day Explodes" Advanced during this segment
This angle got the crowd hotter, and bloodier.

Segment: Becky Lynch is in the ring after a commercial break, she is sitting in the ring and says she's not going anywhere until she has Bayley in front of her right now. Stephanie McMahon comes out and tells security to - Get that red headed fuck out of my ring- Security rush the ring, including Finley, and are thrown back over the top ropes by The Man, Bayley sneak attacks Lynch from behind in the chaos and floors her.

C -

Stephanie McMahon was very poor when trying to improvise dialog
The angle got the crowd hotter
"Bayley vs Lych" Storyline advanced with this segment


A.J Styles vs New Future Number one U.S Title Contender - The Miz -: : In a decent match, AJ Styles defeated The Miz with with Styles Clash at 9:59.

C

AJ Styles----- B
The Miz--- D


Authors of Pain vs Gable and Kendrick: In a terrible match, Rezar defeated Chad Gable by submission at 6:50. Jeff noticed something weird about Author's of Pain but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

D

Drake Maverick did a good job at ringside
Akam and Drake Maverick are an awkward pairing, they have no chemistry whatsoever
Chad Gable and Kendrick showed excellent chemistry teaming together


Segment: Backstage, Orbit Adventure Ant has a microphone and he stops Vince McMahon in the hallway. Vince is happy about The Miz getting a future Us Title shot, then asks who the hell is Orbit Adventure Ant.

D+

Vince worked the crowd well
Orbit Adventure Ant debuted his Impressionist Comedy Gimmick: It got an initial rating of poor.
Orbit Adventure Ant did not do well without a script to follow.

Segment: Triple H comes out to the ring, he starts hyping the newest monster in wrestling, Lars Sullivan. He shows a video package of Lars just kicking ass in NXT. Triple H would like to remind everyone to forget that Lars already lost in his debut on the main roster and this is his REAL debut.

C -

Triple H is not suited to his gimmick
Steph an HHH have good chemistry
Even though his gimmick could be better, Triple H was a mega star during the segment.

Lars Sullivan vs The Velveteen Dream: In a terrible match, The Velveteen Dream defeated Lars Sullivan at 7:26 with Purple Rainmaker.

D-

Commentary gave the match a boost
The match cooled the crowd a little



Segment: Charlotte is in the parking lot, she sees Shane's corvette parked and takes a key to scratch the side, but Shane stops her. He yells in her face, Charlotte backs Shane off with really loud WOOOOOO's but is nailed from behind with a steel chair by Stephanie McMahon!

D+

"Charlotte vs McMahons" Storyline advanced and gained heat with this segment.

Segment: Samoa Joe comes to the ring and announces tonight's Main Event of Bo Dallas vs Heath Slater is cancelled. He is The Main Event now and he has something to say. The show will end with him calling The Undertaker a coward, because he will hide behind his blonde wife and post motorbike pictures. Joe is about to drop the mic when Undertakers music hits! He walks to the ring at 15:34.

B+

The Undertaker improvised well walking to the ring
At the announce desk, Saxton and Tom Phillips got into an awkward conversation about submarine sandwiches at the worst time.
The segment deserved better announcing
The Segment deserved better color commentary (WTF?)
The angle lit the crowd on fire, several were injured and taken out by paramedics
Undertakers performance was good
"Samoa Joe vs Undertaker " Storyline advanced

MAIN EVENT!!!! THE UNDERTAKER VS SAMOA JOE: In a decent match, (Undertaker and Joe were told to go to the back during the commercial and do their ring entrances again for some reason) Undertaker defeated Joe at 12:47 with Hell's Gate submission!

C+

Undertaker was visibly tiring coming on the end
The match deserved better announcing (What is going on there!?)
"Undertaker vs Joe) Storyline advanced with this match.



Show rating C!

Only lost popularity in 23 regions that time.

------------------- Now, here is some crazy ass WEDNESDAY to SUNDAY HAPPENINGS!!



Rezar has been caught doping! He was caught in a mandatory in house testing and caught using steroids. I got pissed at the asshole and suspended him for 28 days. He was unhappy, who cares?! Stop cutting corners!

Akam has been caught doping! That NO Good Son of a Bitch! I JUST threw 1600 bucks in his face just last week!! I FIRED HIS ASS!!! His reaction was odd.....his behavior improved by my handling of the situation.....ok..... now it says he's happy at this action....see you on Impact loser!

Email Check....Smackdown got a 18.30 TV Rating.

The Miz emails me, trashing Orbit Adventure Ant, he suggests he get cut loose. What an arsehole, that was his first day jackass, give him some time.

Daniel Bryan is miffed now that he wasn't used on Smackdown.

Of all people.....Jerry Lawler is pissed because he wasn't used on Smackdown. ALLLLLllllRIGHTY then!! Toilet flush sound effect!

Charlotte is irritated for the way she was used on Smackdown. Ugh!! Go piss off somewhere.

Kevin Owens is irate that he was left off Raw and Smackdown, did he even watch Raw?! Most people were left off it!

Drew McIntyre is mad for being left off Smackdown. Why is everyone so friggin concerned about Smackdown all of a sudden?

I switch up MAIN EVENT announce desk, putting Tom Phillips and Jerry Crysuck Lawler together.

I leave the main trio together for events.

I take a risk and completely change Smackdown's odd commentary at times....Tom Phillips with Booker T and Michael Ps Hayes

Zack Ryder storms into my office demanding a WOO WOO WOO raise! WTF man really? I give him a $325 dollar raise, he's pissed at my decision.

Jack Gallagher complains that his push is more like a pull.

I randomly drug test Bobby Lashley! .....and he passes!

Brock Lesnar is seen trying to hail a taxi as fast as he possibly can, I say UH UH, GET OVER HERE!

Brock Lesnar FAILS his drug test! He's taking steroids, what a surprise. I give him a hefty fine.

Brock is unhappy at the fine.

Miroslav Barnyyashev announced that he is now Flabby. Huh? Thanks for the update....unknown dude.


TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MONDAY NIGHT RAW! Kevin Owens and Drew McIntyre try to Decode Firefly Funhouse.....Triple H battles The Miz, Elias Entertainment make a ground shaking announcement, The Balor Club debut new merchandise and the main event....Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins in a No Holds Barred match!