Tales of Badassery: Dick Slater
Good evening friends, and welcome to; Tales of Badassery.
I am your host EnviousDominous, and tonight I will recite to you a play that I've written based on one of the many random badass exploits of Dick Slater.
*Tommy "Wildfire" Rich sits at a table in a popular Tampa bar*
Tommy: Loop-de-doop-da-doo! I am WILDFIRE Tommy Rich!
*A random man approaches Tommy Rich.*
Random guy: WHAT'S UP TOMMY... BIIIIITCH!
Tommy: Hmm? I don't know. I'm not from around here. I'm a big time professional wrestler and...
Random guy: I FUCKED YOUR WOMAN TOMMY! SHE WAS ALL "OH YEAH! RANDOM GUY! THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN TINY TOMMY!
*Tommy laughs hysterically*
Tommy: Those are her mannerisms to a T! You're pretty funny. Have you ever heard of this Steve Martin guy?
Random guy: FORGET YOU PUNK!
*Random guy begins to storm out of the bar, when a loud voice shouts from a seat at the bar of the bar*
Loud voice: NOT SO FAST KID!
*Random guy turns around and glares at the bar of the bar*
Random guy: Who produced that loud voice!?
*Dick Slater, Wahoo McDaniel and Andre the Giant all spin on their barstools in tandem until they're able to see the random guy*
Andre: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE MERV GRIFFIN!
Merv Griffin: That's right fatso! Who in the fuck are you!?
Andre: I am Andre the Giant.
Dick Slater: I am Dick "Don't call me the bruiser" Slater.
Wahoo: I am Wahoo McDaniels.
Tommy: I'm Tommy!
Merv Griffin: FUCK YOU TOMMY! I HAVE CRABS THANKS TO YOUR WIFE!
Tommy: Whatever, I have to pee-pee.
*Tommy leaves the bar so he can pee in the parking lot of the bar*
Merv Griffin: I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!
*Merv Griffin attempts to storm out of the bar after Tommy Rich, but is blocked by Wahoo McDaniel*
Wahoo: Going somewhere princess?
Merv Griffin: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!
Wahoo: Kid, you've got to be suicidal!
Merv Griffin: SUICIDAL IS GETTING IN MY WAY!
*Wahoo grabs Merv Griffin by the collar, and yanks him outside where Tommy is peeing against the wall with his pants completely down.*
*Dick turns to Andre*
Dick: Hey Andre, want to see how this turns out?
Andre: Not really, but whatever. I'm drunk.
*Dick and Andre stumble outside and see Wahoo McDaniel backhand Merv Griffin while Tommy Rich pulls up his pants*
Tommy: What's going on!?
Merv: WE'RE FIGHTING!
*Wahoo backhands Merv again, causing Merv to stumble and fall to the ground.*
Wahoo: ONE CHANCE! YOU CAN APOLOGIZE OR DIE!
Merv: I ain't afraid of you bitch!
*Wahoo pulls a handgun from his pants and points it at Merv*
Merv: Umm, you know what. I think I'm satisfied with myself, and I humbly apologize.
Wahoo: APOLOGY ACCEPTED!
*Wahoo whacks Merv in the face with the handgun, knocking him unconscious while lying in a puddle of Tommy Rich's pee. The gun goes off, and a bullet rips into Dick Slater's knee.*
Andre: HELP! POLICE!
*The Big Boss Man arrives on the scene*
Big Boss Man: What happened here!?
Andre: You're not the police.
*Three weeks later, Dick Slater recovers from a bullet wound to the knee and wrestles as scheduled in Japan.*
