Donald Trump, The Choose Your Own Adventure

You wake up in a large bed, and sit up suddenly in an excited manner.

"IT WORKED!" you exclaim.

"What worked my love?" a female voice asks from nearby.

You look around to see that Melania Trump is standing next to the bed wearing a nightgown. Thinking, you can't remember what worked. You can't remember who you are, and you have no idea of why Melania Trump would be in your presence.

"I think I need to go wash my face." You say. You bounce yourself on the bed until you're able to launch yourself to your feet, and sprint to an open room.

"That's the closet Donald." Melania said.

What do you do!?

Slam the closet door, and start crying.

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Melania becomes enraged at your stupidity, and she bull charges into the closet. You're speared through the wall, and later pass away from your injuries

Laugh hysterically, and ask Melania where the bathroom is (while still laughing)

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Melania points out the window to the moon.

"The bathroom is on the moon?" you ask.

Melania picks you up over her head, and throws you to the moon where you later drown in a giant bowl of chicken soup.

I want to like the idea, but I must admit I have no idea where this is going...

You wake up from the horrible nightmare that barely resembled something some guy named enviousdominous would come up with.

You glance over to your nightstand, and see that your alarm clock shaped like Fat Albert is swaying back and forth while shouting "HEY! HEY! HEY!" repeatedly.

"When did I get such an absurd alarm clock?" you ask yourself.

"You bought it at that stupid yard sale Donnie, and now it won't shut up." Melanie Trump says.

What do you do!?

Turn off the alarm clock, and try to cope with the horror of knowing that you're stuck in another wacky enviousdominous story.

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You punch the alarm clock so hard that it shatters and pieces of the clock become embedded in your fore-arm, and shout "FUCK ME!"

Melania beings searching through the nightstand on her side of the bed, looking for some lubricant.

"No, not that Mel. I was going about my wonderful life, and somehow I ended up as Donald Trump." you say.

"But you've always been Donald Trump." Melania replied.

"No, see; I'm not Donald Trump. Well, I am, now, but, hear me out. Some jackoff named enviousdominous is running around putting unsuspecting people into his stories. He got me into this one, and here we are." you said.

"So he's writing this right now?" Melania asked.

"Yeah, probably. It's a living hell." you said.

"What an idiot." Melania said.

"I know, right!" you shout before asking "Can't this asshole write another one of his stupid stories without forcing me into it?"

"At this point Donald, nothing surprises me anymore. You became President of the United States, and now you're possessed by someone due to the malicious intent of a nobody that writes sometimes." Melania said.

"Well put." you say before asking "So what does a President do?"

Well, the first thing a President does to start his busy day is...

Go for a brisk jog through the National Mall

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You don't want to embarrass your nation but maintaining a flabby body, and you're brimming with energy due to the excitement of being the President of the United States.

You don't just jog, you run full speed! You sprint so quickly, while still wearing your pajamas mind you, that you eventually encounter the ghost of yourself due to your break-neck speed creating a double-image. This doesn't startle you, until the double-image turns to look at you.

"Give me back my body!" the image screams.

"Say what now?!" you ask while still sprinting after the double-image.

"That's my body, give it back!" the image screams.

"Okay." you say before ripping your own soul out of Donald's carapace so that his spirit can go back into you.

You are now pure energy, and you use your powers to blow up the sun.

Eat his weight in beans, and then take ten laxatives

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This is amazing. YOU LOVE BEANS! Not so much laxatives, but at least you get to eat 300lbs of beans!

Melanie wheels out a massive trough of steaming baked beans, swimming in delicious bean sauce.

Melania hands you a giant spoon, but fuck that bullshit. You rip off your clothes, and dive into the trough. You swim nudely through the trough of beans, scarfing down mushy beans as you go.

"Oh Donald!" Melania said before saying "Clint Eastwood is here to see you."

"I don't give a fuck about Clint Eastwoods raggedy old ass!" you shout before wiping the bean-matter from your eyes and seeing an enraged Clint Eastwood standing before you.

"You ever fuck with someone that made you think that you shouldn't have done such a thing that time that you did that!?" Clint snarls.

Melania forces ten laxatives into your mouth, surprising you in a manner that causes the trough to spill over onto Clint Eastwood.

"That did it kid! Now I'm going to..." Clint began to say before an eruption of diarrhea explodes from your rear end covering the entire room and everyone in it with what appears to be more bean-matter.

Clint forgives you, the end.

Imitate the alarm clock in an effort to piss off Melania Trump.

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Melania lies down with an angry expression, and puts a pillow over her face.

You shout louder, and louder "HEY! HEY! HEY!" repeatedly.

Mike Pence enters the room and begins shouting "HEY! HEY! HEY!" to indicate that he's still your tool.

Melania screams and flails about in the bed. She then runs from the room still in her pajamas, which is some bullshit. You're not done irritating her.

What will you do to keep harassing Melania?

Offer Melania a can of peanut brittle, with a little surprise inside.

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You finally catch up to Melania, who is at a podium while accepting the Nobel Peace Prize in front of an adoring crowd.

You push your way through the crowd and shout "Hey, Melania!" before throwing the can at her.

Melanie deftly catches the can, and crushes it in her grip causing pieces of peanut brittle to rain down onto the stage.

The crowd silently stares at you, waiting for an explanation.

You start screaming "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

The crowd is enamored by your funny behavior, and starts to shout "HEY! HEY! HEY!" along with you.

Life can't get any better than this. Not only did you irritate Melania, but you ruined her special moment. Plus, since she's accepting an award for advancing peace, she won't retaliate and...

Melania punches you in the face, causing your body to whip around. She stomps the back of your knee with her high heel, impaling it into your lower leg muscle. She slips out of her shoes, and buries the high heel of her free shoe into your eye. You fall to your stomach and attempt to crawl away. Melania stomps on your back, and sits on your back pulling you into a camel clutch hold. She picks up pieces of peanut brittle off the floor, and forces them into your mouth screaming "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

It was a typical Tuesday.

Clone Mike Pence a thousand times

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You get Mike's leash, and lead him to the cloning lab.

"Why are we doing this again Mr. Trump?" Mike asks you.

"It's an anniversary present for my wife." you say before head-butting Mike for speaking.

Entering the cloning lab, you notice something strange. All the lights are off, and it's the middle of the night.

"That's strange, all the lights are off. And it's the middle of the night." you said before all the lights suddenly turn on, blinding you and Mike.

As your vision slowly comes back to you, you see Bill Nye standing before you.

"I've converted this cloning lab into a global warming reversal facility!" Bill Nye shouts at you.

"Oh." you say.

"And I bet you're wondering why I did this!" Bill screams in your face.

"Why did you create a global warming reversal facility?" you ask.

"Well, I" Bill began to say before you interrupt him by saying "Bitch."

"I created this global warming.." Bill began to say before realizing that you're no longer in front of him

You wander off, and eventually find a vacant cloning machine. You lift Mike Pence over your head, and throw him in.

"I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!" Bill Nye screams, charging toward you.

You stand still, and Bill Nye manages to accidentally fall into the cloning machine due to his incredibly awkward running posture.

You type into an interface that you'd like one thousand clones, but falsely assume that you needed to indicate a decimal and for that matter you really don't understand how decimals work. You request one hundred million clones by mistake.

The cloning machine begins spitting out horrific hybrids of Bill Nye and Mike Pence, some with legs where their arms should be, some with dreadlocks.

Melania enters the cloning facility, and throws Rosie O'Donnell and Ann Coulter into a cloning machine.

A massive war between the Pye and Co'Donnell armies rages for centuries.