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Thread: Tales of Badassery: Dick Slater

  1. #1

    Tales of Badassery: Dick Slater

    Good evening friends, and welcome to; Tales of Badassery.

    I am your host EnviousDominous, and tonight I will recite to you a play that I've written based on one of the many random badass exploits of Dick Slater.

    *Tommy "Wildfire" Rich sits at a table in a popular Tampa bar*

    Tommy: Loop-de-doop-da-doo! I am WILDFIRE Tommy Rich!

    *A random man approaches Tommy Rich.*

    Random guy: WHAT'S UP TOMMY... BIIIIITCH!

    Tommy: Hmm? I don't know. I'm not from around here. I'm a big time professional wrestler and...

    Random guy: I FUCKED YOUR WOMAN TOMMY! SHE WAS ALL "OH YEAH! RANDOM GUY! THAT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN TINY TOMMY!

    *Tommy laughs hysterically*

    Tommy: Those are her mannerisms to a T! You're pretty funny. Have you ever heard of this Steve Martin guy?

    Random guy: FORGET YOU PUNK!

    *Random guy begins to storm out of the bar, when a loud voice shouts from a seat at the bar of the bar*

    Loud voice: NOT SO FAST KID!

    *Random guy turns around and glares at the bar of the bar*

    Random guy: Who produced that loud voice!?

    *Dick Slater, Wahoo McDaniel and Andre the Giant all spin on their barstools in tandem until they're able to see the random guy*

    Andre: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE MERV GRIFFIN!

    Merv Griffin: That's right fatso! Who in the fuck are you!?

    Andre: I am Andre the Giant.

    Dick Slater: I am Dick "Don't call me the bruiser" Slater.

    Wahoo: I am Wahoo McDaniels.

    Tommy: I'm Tommy!

    Merv Griffin: FUCK YOU TOMMY! I HAVE CRABS THANKS TO YOUR WIFE!

    Tommy: Whatever, I have to pee-pee.

    *Tommy leaves the bar so he can pee in the parking lot of the bar*

    Merv Griffin: I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!

    *Merv Griffin attempts to storm out of the bar after Tommy Rich, but is blocked by Wahoo McDaniel*

    Wahoo: Going somewhere princess?

    Merv Griffin: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!

    Wahoo: Kid, you've got to be suicidal!

    Merv Griffin: SUICIDAL IS GETTING IN MY WAY!

    *Wahoo grabs Merv Griffin by the collar, and yanks him outside where Tommy is peeing against the wall with his pants completely down.*

    *Dick turns to Andre*

    Dick: Hey Andre, want to see how this turns out?

    Andre: Not really, but whatever. I'm drunk.

    *Dick and Andre stumble outside and see Wahoo McDaniel backhand Merv Griffin while Tommy Rich pulls up his pants*

    Tommy: What's going on!?

    Merv: WE'RE FIGHTING!

    *Wahoo backhands Merv again, causing Merv to stumble and fall to the ground.*

    Wahoo: ONE CHANCE! YOU CAN APOLOGIZE OR DIE!

    Merv: I ain't afraid of you bitch!

    *Wahoo pulls a handgun from his pants and points it at Merv*

    Merv: Umm, you know what. I think I'm satisfied with myself, and I humbly apologize.

    Wahoo: APOLOGY ACCEPTED!

    *Wahoo whacks Merv in the face with the handgun, knocking him unconscious while lying in a puddle of Tommy Rich's pee. The gun goes off, and a bullet rips into Dick Slater's knee.*

    Andre: HELP! POLICE!

    *The Big Boss Man arrives on the scene*

    Big Boss Man: What happened here!?

    Andre: You're not the police.

    *Three weeks later, Dick Slater recovers from a bullet wound to the knee and wrestles as scheduled in Japan.*
    Quote Originally Posted by Spidercanrana View Post
    If the internet has taught me anything, it's that a show is either touched by God's mighty pen or Satan's diseased penis.

  2. #2
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    He was one hell of a woman beater, too. Ask Luna Vachon. Well, you can't ask her, but you get the point.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Echelon's Avatar

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    This is a play I'd pay to see.

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