*Sebastian sits at his home office writing the latest entry in his blog Nothing More Epic: The Kardashian Story . As he writes about the wonderful people that make up the Kardashian clan, his key-clicking is interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. It is soon followed up by a voice he knew and loved more than those of Kourtney, Chloe and Kim.*
???: Seby-poo? It's me, Britney! I forgot my keys again!
Sebastian slowly gets up from his chair and bounds over to the door, his body still wracked from mysterious injuries he seemed to pick up out of the blue. The doctors had said it was like he had been in a car crash or sustained some kind of prolonged beating and then been caught in an explosionâ?¦ He was lucky to be alive, but through the loving support of his wonderful, if occasionally scatterbrained, girlfriend, Britney, he was on the mend.
Sebastian: Be right there, honey-bunny!
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The Smoker: Hey! What are we doing?
Manic: Letting Britney in. Didn't you hear? She forgot her keys again!
Depressive: We should not open the door.
Manic: Why not?
Depressive: It is not her.
The Smoker: What?
Depressive: It is a trap... again
The Smoker: What? Who?
Depressive: Probably the same automaton as last time.
Manic: You mean it might be Poo?!? YEY!
The Smoker: The mandroid? God, we would rather spend more time watching those insufferable Kardashians than deal with that cardboard-covered cretin. Donâ??t open the door!
Depressive: It is too late... again. And how often do we have to say it? We do not have any control on the outsideâ?¦
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*Sebastian unbolts the door and opens it with a big beaming smile on his face.*
Sebastian: Brits, you big silly-billy! How could you forget your keys agâ?¦
*Sebastian is cut short by what he sees - rather than the smiling friendly face of his coffee-serving girlfriend, he sees her wide-eyed petrified faceâ?¦
She has a cardboard robot claw clamped over her mouthâ?¦ The owner of that claw holds up a digital Dictaphone in its other robotic appendage and presses its play button.*
???: Seby-poo? It's me, Britney! I forgot my keys again!
*Before Sebastian can process this, with a hint of déjà vu, the holder of the dictaphone speaks.*
Sebastian: Who are you? What are you doing with my Brits?
SHIT: Answer to Question #1: Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology with Bounty Hunter Downloadable Content installed.
Answer to Question #2: Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology Bounty Hunter Edition is using this female meatbag to gain access to Barbosa, a plan which has worked before.
Sebastian: Barbosa?!? Who is that?
*The mandroid cocks its head in some semblance of surprise.*
SHIT: You are the meatbag called Barbosa.
*Sebastian takes a tentative step backwards.*
Sebastian: But my nameâ?¦ isâ?¦ Sebastianâ?¦
SHIT: Negative! You are merely the latest sub-programme of the Barbosa computer, cohabiting with this caffeine-bean dispensing flesh balloon.
*Confusion spreads over the face of Sebastian, with just a hint of recognition like there are voices screaming behind his eyes.*
Sebastian: Whâ?¦whâ?¦what do you want?
SHIT: WrestleZone Championship Wrestling has paid this unit to make sure Barbosa attends his induction into the Hall of Fame.
Sebastian: The what wants to do what?
SHIT: Repeat Mission Statement: WZCW has paid this unit to make sure Barbosa attends his induction into the Hall of Fame.
Sebastian: Pleaseâ?¦ just let Brits go.
SHIT: Negative!
Sebastian: Why?
SHIT: Repeat Answer to Question #2: Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology Bounty Hunter Edition is using this female meatbag to gain access to Barbosa.
*A brief moment of silence spreads over the confusing door way stand offâ?¦*
SHIT: Additional Answer: the purveyor of caffeine addiction is also to attend.
*Sebastian takes another tentative step backwards, in a move that SHIT recognises as a prelude to an escape attemptâ?¦*
SHIT: If you do not come quietly, this unit will have to apprehend Barbosa
*As the mandroid takes a step forward, still grasping Britney, Sebastian turns to run towards the telephoneâ?¦*
Sebastian: No, I am calling the police
SHIT: Negative! Police officers would interfere with Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology Bounty Hunter Edition's mission. Target Acquired! Initiating Barbosa Neutraliser!
*With that, Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology uses its free hand to unleash a forceful overhand piston chop to the turning Sebastian, who crumbles to the floor unconscious.*
SHIT: Barbosa Neutralisation Successful!
*SHIT then lets Britney go and ushers her inside the house.*
SHIT: Female, caffeine-dealing meatbag will aid this unit in preparing Barbosa for Hall of Fame induction.
How?
SHIT: Barbosa requires suitable attire for his induction. Records indicate a penguin suit to be in order.
*This is met with another look of confusion as SHIT follows Britney in through the door, closing it.*
SHIT: And the female, caffeine-dealing meatbag requires a dress.
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***OPENING SEQUENCE OF WZCW HoF CEREMONY***
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*The lights seem to go out.
A brief silence is interrupted by the switching on of a single spotlight, which is big enough to illuminate the Smoker, the Depressive and the Manic. All three are wearing tuxedos and each appear to be wearing a Hall of Fame ring.
For once, there appears to be no discord amongst them.*
Depressive: One more timeâ?¦
The Smoker: Last full measureâ?¦
Manic: For Pooâ?¦ for Huntâ?¦for us
*And suddenly they all break out in song, with a shared voiceâ?¦*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQzdAsjWGPg
Barbosa:
And now, the end is near
And so we face the final curtain
My friend, we'll say it clear
We'll state our case, of which we're certain
We've lived a life that's full
We cashed in on Dave the worst way
But more, much more than this
We did it my way
Regrets, we've had a few
Losing the belt, too hard to mention
We did what we had to do
Got it back from Showtime at Redemption
We sang along the course
Each doeful note to hinder Ty Burnay
And more, much more than this
We did it my way
Yes, there were times, when things sure blew
When we fell from heights when we should have flew
But through it all, when there was doubt
We beat SHIT up and knocked Hunt out
We faced them all and we stood tall
And did it my way
We've tagged, we've crushed and fried
We've had my fill; my share of losing
Titus and Runn, how we cried
We find it all so amusing
To think we did all that
And may we say - not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not us
We did it my way
For what a great team, when we have a robot
Escaped from bedlam, and never caught
Used Kylie to say what he truly feels
And yet, he is not one who kneels
The record shows we took the blows
And did it my way
Yes, it was our way
*The three Barbosas bow.*
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*Back in the real world where the Barbosas do not liveâ?¦ the Hall of Fame ceremony continues with Barbosa announced as the next inducteeâ?¦
But he does not appearâ?¦ the announcer tries againâ?¦ still nothing.
Suddenly there is some commotion behind the curtain as Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology
Britney over his cardboard shoulder and a tuxedoed Barbosa dragged behind him
The mandroid deposits both Sebastian and Britney in front of the waiting microphone.*
SHIT: Objective achieved! Barbosa delivered!
*However, instead of giving a moving acceptance speech or singing his latest hit, Sebastian takes the opportunity to scream for help, shouting to the audience to call the police because they have been kidnapped.*
SHIT: HALT! Barbosa must be inducted!
*Unsurprisingly, the kidnapped Sebastian does not stop calling for help. Unfortunately for him, many in the crowd remember his antics from the past and think that this is all part of the showâ?¦*
SHIT: If Barbosa does not cease, Scaled Humanoid Industrial Technology will take action to ensure induction.
*Again, Sebastian does not calm down.*
SHIT: Target Acquired! Barbosa Interception Protocol Initiated!
*SHIT races towards the frantic Sebastian, looking to tackle him; however, in his attempts to escape, the Hall of Fame inductee has strayed too close to the edge of the stage so when the cardboard cyborg succeeds in intercepting him, it spears Sebastian off the stage into the electrical circuit boards of the arena!
The last thing that can be heard before the sound, lights and indeed the live feed is cut off is Britney screamingâ?¦*