GOOOOOOOD MOOOOORNIN' STEEL CAGE FORUMS! ARE YOU READY TO GET FUCKING ROWDY!? FOR NO REASON, LET'S CHANT HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Now then, where were we? Oh yes.
Once upon a time, a professional wrestler named New Jack was wrapping up a meeting of his book club.
New Jack: In summation, it seems that it's our conclusion that A Confederacy of Dunces is a fantastic ride through the wild imagination of an author who so tragically left this world but before doing so left us with an unmistakable example of his inner ID. Are we in agreement?
*The group turns to group member Divine*
Divine: I couldn't agree more, and I'd like to also say that the refreshments we were provided are absolutely...umm
*Lu Bu chimes in*
Lu Bu: DIVINE!?
*The group laughs hysterically*
Bat Masterson: Where did you find this guy!?
*New Jack shrugs his shoulders, and the group happily chuckle until New Jack's phone rings with the tone of "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals*
New Jack: Oh shit, that's not good.
Divine: I thought you dumped that crazy bitch!
New Jack: I...it's...I
Lu Bu: DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
New Jack: That would make things worse.
*New Jack answers the phone with a "Hey baby, what's shaking?"
New Jack: Uh huh, uh huh. Look, baby, slow down. Uh huh. She did what to your plant?
*Bat Masterson screams and runs out of the room*
New Jack: Yeah, I can give you a ride. Just tell me what for.
*Lu Bu starts crying, Divine pats him on the back*
New Jack: No shit!? She was kidnapped.
*Divine rolls his/her eyes*
Divine: Last month she lost her puppy on the moon.
New Jack: Alright baby, I'm on my way.
*Lu Bu cries hysterically*
New Jack: What? NO! Don't bring the fucking drugs! Why would you ask me that!?
*New Jack pops up from his chair and hurriedly puts on his Looney Tunes jacket*
New Jack: Hey ya'll, I have to jet. It's...
Divine: We know Jerry. Just please don't get hurt again.
*New Jack, Divine, and Lu Bu share a long hug. Bat Masterson runs back into the room and hugs the group.*
*New Jack arrives at Missy Hyatt's apartment, where Missy was waiting by the street corner. Missy opens the door to New Jack's Studebaker Hawk and dives in.*
Missy: DRIVE! FUCKING DRIVE!
*New Jack speeds away while Missy lays over the front seat of the car on her stomach*
New Jack: You alright kitten?
Missy: DO I LOOK LIKE I'M FUCKING ALRIGHT! THEY KIDNAPPED MY ROOMATE AND THEY'RE COMING FOR ME NEXT!
*New Jack looks at the floor of his car and sees a handbag*
New Jack: Did you bring the drugs even though I specifically said not to?
Missy: ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!? KIDNAPPERS ARE AFTER ME! GET US TO THE POLICE STATION!
*New Jack speeds through downtown Knoxville, causing several police officers to hide hoping that New Jack isn't coming after them.*
New Jack: We're here.
*Missy snores loudly*
New Jack: MISSY!
*Missy shakes awake and clumsily opens the door to the car and crawls out. New Jack gets out of the car and helps Missy to her feet.*
New Jack: Alright, let's go.
Missy: MY BAG!
*Missy snatches her handbag and the two enter the police station. Everyone in the police station freezes with fear at seeing New Jack enter. New Jack approaches the desk clerk.*
New Jack: Greetings, greetings my good fellow.
*The desk clerk throws his gun and wallet on the counter and hides under the counter*
New Jack: Umm, okay.
Missy: HEY! MY FUCKING ROOMATE WAS KIDNAPPED!
*The desk makes a loud "SLAM" as the desk clerk attempted to stand while still being under it. The desk clerk rubs his aching head and motions for New Jack and Missy to follow him.*
*New Jack and Missy are led to an interrogation room where there's a small table with three chairs. New Jack and Missy sit, and the desk clerk sits at the third chair.*
Desk Clerk: Alright, I feel that I should introduce myself. I am detective Terry Taylor.
New Jack: Oh hell no, it's Terry Taylor.
Missy: Hi Terry, I'm Missy.
Terry: Hi Missy, I'm Terry.
Missy: Hi Terry, I'm...
New Jack: STOOOOOP!
*Terry and Missy glance at each other with annoyed expressions*
Terry: So your roommate was kidnapped?
Missy: Yessums.
Terry: New Jack, why did you kidnap Missy's roommate?
New Jack: STOOOOOP!
Missy: New Jack didn't kidnap my roommate, he was with me the whole time.
New Jack: What now?
Terry: Fascinating! Tell me then Missy, what was your roommate's name?
Missy: Melissa Hiatt.
*Terry and New Jack exchange confused glances and then they both look at Missy with confused stares*
Terry: May I see your ID?
Missy: You sure can honeybun.
*Missy starts rummaging through her handbag to find her ID, bottles of pills fall out.*
Terry: Say, New Jack, isn't her name...
*New Jack nods his head with a raised eyebrow*
Missy: HERE IT IS!
*Missy hands a Chucky Cheese Kids Club Card to Terry, bottles of pills now litter the floor.*
Terry: Okay, this checks out. About these bottles of pills.
New Jack: They're all mine. I have umm, Treacher Collins Syndrome.
*Terry and Missy exchange confused glances*
Missy: Those aren't yours silly goose, I got them from that doctor. Remember?
Terry: Can you get me in touch with this doctor?
Missy: Oh sure, he'll write you a prescription for anything. One of these is just a bottle of crack.
*New Jack stands up, and slams his chair against the window causing it to bounce back and hit him in the head*
Terry: Unbreakable glass.
*New Jack stumbles out of the police station and never speaks to Missy ever again.*
Originally Posted by Spidercanrana
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