Spidey's Snack Shack | Cult/Horror Review & Recipe Thread

[Spidey]

#11: Logan's Run

Theatrical Release: June 23, 1976

Appetizer: Top 10 TV Shows of 1976 + Nielson Rating

Click for Spoiler:

1. Happy Days (31.5)
2. Laverne & Shirley (30.9)
3. ABC Monday Night Movie (26.0)
4. M*A*S*H (25.9)
5. Charlie's Angels (25.8)
6. The Big Event (24.4)
7. The Six Million Dollar Man (24.2)
8. ABC Sunday Night Movie (23.4)
9. Baretta (23.4)
10. One Day At A Time (23.4)

Logan's Run is a 1976 dystopic sci-fi that begins as a utopic. It won a Special Academy Award for special effects, tying with the 1976 version of King Kong. Logan's Run also earned six Saturn Awards, Best Science Fiction Film, and this movie was adapted for television. This movie helped get MGM out of a debt it had at the time.

Society crumbled, now society enacts a rule to follow and that rule is questioned. It's about as basic a formula to follow from any novel. But with what little it borrows from the story, it does so in fair execution. The set pieces are by and large the most gorgeous pieces I've seen in a 70's movie, giving the movie unique shine.

Acting does range from wooden to professional, and the effects are half amazing/half shit even for the time period. This movie balances a lot, including kitsch camp with serious tone. But for my money it worked well and was a fun and often surreal clash of styles.

This is very much a take on Plato's Allegory of the Cave here, perhaps laid on too thickly. There may be a discussion on ageist and sexist film theory to this movie as well, and obviously beauty standards in society, but I don't think it makes for a long argument. It's a pretty movie with a decent plot - even if that plot has played itself out in more modern times.

An enjoyable popcorn flick where you don't have to think too hard. Sometimes that makes for a better movie than the sci-fi that tries to tackle deeper themes and stumbles.

💀 💀 💀 1/2

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Tonight's Special: Red Velvet Waffles w/ Cream Cheese Glaze

Every young person has a dot on their palm that goes red when they're close to reaching 30. The white glaze is also significant, but reaching spoiler territory. Red Velvet Waffles are circular and also alleviates the burden of being 30. Eat in good health.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4)

Waffles:

2 cups flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 tbsp plus 1 tsp baking powder
1 tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 tsp kosher salt
1 3/4 cups buttermilk
1/3 cup butter melted and cooled
2 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar
2 tbsp red food coloring

Glaze:
4 oz cream cheese softened room temp
4 tbsp butter softened
1 1/2 cups confectioners sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup whole milk


1. Whip the cream cheese and butter together in a large bowl until smooth. Carefully whisk in the confectioners' sugar, then add the vanilla and milk. Whisk until the glaze is smooth. Set aside.

2. Whisk the flour, sugar, baking powder, cocoa and salt in a large bowl. Beat the buttermilk, melted butter, eggs, vanilla and vinegar together in separate medium bowl until smooth, then stir in the red food coloring (See Note 1). Add the buttermilk mixture to the dry ingredients and whisk until smooth.

3. Heat your waffle iron according to the manufacturers' instructions. Spray the waffle iron with nonstick cooking spray and then pour about 1 cup of the waffle batter onto the waffle grid. Close and cook until the waffle is deep red and crisp on the outside, about 3 minutes.

4. Repeat with the remaining waffle batter. Serve each waffle drizzled with the cream cheese glaze and chopped pecans (optional).

[Spidey]

#12: Orphan

Theatrical Release: July 24, 2009

Appetizer: #1 Song At The Time

Click for Spoiler:

"I Gotta Feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas

9th Anniversary for this movie in the States, and Esther was adopted when she was nine so I thought this would be a decent movie to go over next. Roger Ebert gave this film 3.5 stars out of 4, and it was nominated for a Teen Choice Awards and won an international fantasy award. This movie starred Vera Farmiga before she took the role of Lorraine Warren in the Conjuring horror franchise and Norma Bates of Bates Motel. Titular character Esther is played by Isabelle Fuhrman who would later play Clove in The Hunger Games.

This horror flick stirred up a bit of controversy with orphanages, foster care, adoption agencies, etc. throughout the United States due to the film trailer dialogue "It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own." The line was edited out from further trailers but stayed in the film.

Orphan does tap into the fears of adoption, a wholly original premise for the time. The evil little girl was definitely played out by the time this horror rolled through cinema, but as far as acting goes, she was well executed. Everything was shot fine enough, though it stumbled quite a bit in the tropes we're all too well-versed in now. This is another spooky bit of cinema that relies on someone looking into a mirror for a jumpscare, another adult figure not believing the characters when shit is hitting the fan (I'm all for a gradual "I don't believe you anymore", but this film made an adult look like a complete idiot from the word go), and of course, kid character sings an old happy song creepily. It's not that there aren't smart characters - the kids come off very realistic in not telling anyone what's going on for a logical reason. But it just got to a point where the audience is glad the dumb character dies, and that's the worst trope of all for me.

I enjoy Horror when Horror gives me sympathetic people who may err but not blindingly, who do what anybody in their position could possibly do but still fail. Horror is tragedy with a lesson for the times. Esther does tackle fears of letting a stranger into your home, and she is a good horror monster, but she's in a universe that your average Horror fan has grown too comfortable with.

I know I berated the movie quite a bit, but for a first time view, it's not all that bad. Like I mentioned before, it's tackling an issue you don't see often. Expect your usual eye-rolling moments, but definitely stay for the plot. The twist for what it's worth is good too.

Two And A Half Cracked Skulls

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Tonight's Special: Beef Stroganoff

Esther is from Russia, and dresses very traditionally. The Stroganoff dish is over a hundred years old.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4)

1 (8 ounce) package egg noodles
1 pound ground beef
1 (10.75 ounce) can fat free condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1/2 cup sour cream
salt and pepper to taste


1. Prepare the egg noodles according to package directions and set aside.

2. In a separate large skillet over medium heat, saute the ground beef over medium heat for 5 to 10 minutes, or until browned. Drain the fat and add the soup and garlic powder. Simmer for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Remove from heat and combine the meat mixture with the egg noodles. Add the sour cream, stirring well, and season with salt and pepper to taste.

[Spidey]

#13: Friday the 13th

Theatrical Release: May 9, 1980

Appetizer: #1 Song At The Time

Click for Spoiler:

"Call Me" by Blondie (April 19 - May 24)

Friday the 13th is a slasher Horror film that spawned ten movies, a Nightmare on Elm Street crossover, and a remake. The franchise is known for having the highest body count of any one monster in cinema history; Jason Voorhees has killed approximately 146 people. It is the highest grossing Horror film franchise - making about $687.1 million. Panned on initial release, it developed something of a cult following in retrospect over decades. It was also the first movie of its kind to be distributed by a major US studio (Paramount).

I'm going to rip the band-aid off here: I am not this franchise's biggest fan. There is very little in the way of film theory and more in the way of whatever the audience wanted, they got. I think it's a fair assessment to put this right up there with the gore porn Horror became in the early 2000s - the real monster is the viewer enjoying the creative ways the characters die. Maybe there's a lesson hidden among the pile of bodies about bullying and the anti-sexy drug time conservatism made flesh, but even by 1980 these were things we were seeing in almost every slasher flick.

Not to mention the ridiculous plot development by the third act. The chain of events in the last ten minutes of the film are way over the top, and the audience is given so much information in so little time it feels like they cut an hour of exposition out. The jumpscare, while being fantastic, makes no sense in the world it happens in. I get that we're left wondering if she really saw Jason, but since this is a lucrative series, that question answers itself. The infamous Snake Scene is also heartbreaking and had no reason to be in the film.

I will give credit where it is due. When I think great Horror movie settings, this one is right up there at the top. Atmospheric and surprisingly well-lit, the kills were done in sweet shlock makeup, and while the actors had terrible "scream" moments, outside of dying they were decently casted. The only thing I wasn't a big fan execution-wise was the camera work. Where a movie like Halloween keeps me immersed even when the camera has to play both the stalking killer and a regular camera shot, Friday the 13th had scenes that had the camera toggling like the killer but of course it couldn't possibly be them. It made me focus on the camera and that's the last thing a movie should do.

Sure I may not be a big fan, but I watch a lot of Horror and that can get in the way of an okay spookshow. It's an easy flick to keep up with set in a great location. Glide through the tropes and remind yourself why you don't go camping more often.

💀 💀 💀

---

Tonight's Special: Smores Bars

Smores are a classic staple of camp-goers everywhere. Here they are made for immediately travel, just in case you need to get away from somebody.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 16)

1⁄2 cup butter, softened
3⁄4 cup sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1⁄3 cups flour
3⁄4 cup graham cracker crumbs
1 teaspoon baking powder
1⁄4 teaspoon salt
4 (1 5/8 ounce) milk chocolate candy bars
3 cups miniature marshmallows


1. Heat oven to 350ºF. Grease an 8 inch square baking pan.

2. Beat butter and sugar together until well blended in a large bowl. Add egg and vanilla; beat well.

3. In another bowl stir together flour, graham cracker crumbs, baking powder, and salt. Add to butter mixture, beating until blended.

4. Press half the dough into the prepared pan. Bake 15 minutes.

5 Unwrap chocolate bars; arrange over baked layer. They may not quite all fit, you may be forced to eat a couple pieces. Sprinkle with marshmallows. Scatter remaining dough over the marshmallows, forming a top layer.

6 Bake 10- 15 minutes or until just lightly browned. Cool compleletly before cutting.

[Spidey]

#14: Dead End Drive-Inn

Theatrical Release: August 22, 1986

Appetizer: The WWE World Champion At The Time

Click for Spoiler:

Hulk Hogan

(January 23, 1984 - February 5, 1988)

• This was Hulk Hogan's first reign as champion.
• The last time the title was won in a contested match on a house show. Diesel ended the practice in 8 seconds against Bob Backlund.
• Recognized as the 10th title exchange.

Dead End Drive-Inn is an action Ozploitation film set in a dystopia-within-a-dystopia. It holds a very familiar Mad Max feel with car fetishism and a crazed society putting focus on the fashions of the late 80s. While reviews are mixed, it was nominated for Best Production Design at that year's AFI Awards. Quentin Tarantino cited this movie's director, Brian Trenchard-Smith, as one of his favorite directors with this being the best of his work.

It's a rare day when I consider any movie a "hidden gem", but this one definitely takes that mantle. It's apocalyptic without all the broodiness prevalent in its Hollywood equivalents. The social commentary surprised me, ranging from the contemporary debate of freedom vs. security to the regression and indoctrination into white nationalism - historically accurate in the anti-emigration values of the White Australia policy in the early/mid 20th century. There is also a discussion on government-applied poverty to be had that echoes the ghettos and other racially set communities that still exist today. The satire is so well done you could cut it with a fork.

I wouldn't call these the low points, but a case can be made. The setting is more eye-candy than practical, and so is the plot to tell the truth. Whether or not the main protag is jogging around the block or within the perimeter of his enclosure, he isn't as cautious as this new world would call for.

If you're wanting something like Mad Max with a more colorful populace, Dead End Drive-Inn should whet your appetite. Welcome back to the 80s and take one of these meal tickets with you. I hope you enjoy your stay.

💀 💀 💀 💀

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Tonight's Special: Banana Fritters

Carmen can only have it when the movie is on.

INGREDIENTS (Serves 6)

1/2 cup of milk
2 bananas, mashed
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 teaspoons baking powder
2 eggs, beaten
1 tablespoon margarine, melted
1 quart vegetable oil for frying
1/2 cup of confectioners' sugar


1. In a mixing bowl, combine the milk and bananas. Sift in the flour, salt, and baking powder. Thoroughly mix in the eggs and margarine.

2. Heat the oil in a large skillet to 365 degrees F (180 degrees C).

3. Carefully place spoonfuls of the mixture into the hot oil and fry until brown. Flip the fritter and continue to brown. Remove fritters from the oil and drain on paper towels. Dust the fritters with confectioners' sugar and serve while warm.

[Spidey]

#15: The Domestics

Theatrical Release: July 28, 2018

Appetizer: Top 10 TV Shows (July 23-29) + Nielsen Rating

Click for Spoiler:

1. America's Got Talent (11.3)
2. MLB All-Star Game (8.7)
3. 60 Minutes (7.6)
4. The Bachelorette (6.3)
5. The Big Bang Theory (6.0)
6. Celebrity Family Feud (6.0)
7. World of Dance (5.8)
8. Young Sheldon (5.5)
9. NCIS (5.4)
10. Code Black (5.3)

The Domestics is an American post apocalyptic Horror film starring Kate Bosworth and Tyler Hoechlin. Rotten Tomatoes has no official score for this movie yet, but it has been three reviews and they lean positive. No official Metacritic score either, but IMDb does give the film 5.7/10. The story is about a man named Tyler trying to patch up his marriage to Kate while driving to Milwaukee during the end times. Wisconsin is now divided up by gangs: The Gamblers - gang symbol is the Illuminati triangle + antlers. A Two-Faced obsession with giving their captives chances in life and death scenarios. The Plowboys - sex slavers with a redneck motif. The Cherries - women liberators seen as "man haters". The Sheets - deadly scavengers that wear bed sheets akin to Halloween ghost costumes. The Domestics - normal people trying to live in a messed up world.

Costume work deserves an A+. It wasn't "so silly it's unbelievable" and neither was it "so bland I forgot the world ended". Minor characters that plague an apocalypse should have some eccentric qualities, and the ones in The Domestics achieved that. Several were fun and interesting people. The gangs gave it that vibe I can only remember getting in films like The Warriors and A Clockwork Orange.

Where the film loses me is in its frequent tug-of-war with establishing an identity. There isn't enough humor for me to put this in the same boat as A Boy and His Dog, but neither is this a serious romp in the wastelands like The Road. Yet it shares all the tropes that lie within each. Finding a mood for this movie is harder than traveling a lawless Wisconsin. There is also unusual coincidences and a fair slap of deus ex machina that frustrated the hell out of me. I think this movie was looking for its own personality, but in that journey they came empty-handed. Its doomsday porn with a great budget, but any deeper meaning outside of the struggles of marriage and the usual "our government fucked us ergo apocalypse" is hard to be had. It's a B film that takes itself just serious enough to trick people into watching a B film, and while I see the genius in its style, the plot itself is a little thin for me to want to watch it again.

I liked that the catalyst for the end of the world was kept vague, with a multitude of reasons for it happening but nothing really touched on. But there was one visual that stood out that deserved more of an explanation. I'll leave curious minds to see what that is. Probably the most disappointing trigger I've seen for a disaster.

Whoever wants to see a Purge/Fallout crossover, you'll probably get your fill here. Sit tight while I turn the radio over to my boy, Crazy Al.

💀 💀

---

Tonight's Special: Wisconsin Butter-Basted Burger

There aren't any cows outside because we have 'em imported, duh...

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4)

1 pound lean ground beef (90% lean)
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
8 ounces medium fresh mushrooms
2 tablespoons plus 4 teaspoons butter, divided
4 hamburger buns, split
Optional toppings: tomato slices, lettuce leaves, dill pickle slices, ketchup and mustard


1. Sprinkle ground beef with seasoned salt and pepper. Pulse mushrooms in a food processor until finely chopped. Add to seasoned beef, mixing lightly but thoroughly. Shape into four 1/2-in.-thick patties.

2. In a large skillet, heat 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat. Add burgers; cook 6-8 minutes on each side, basting with butter, until a thermometer reads 160°. Remove from heat; keep warm. Add bun tops to skillet; toast until golden brown.

3. Transfer burgers to bun bottoms. Top each with 1 teaspoon butter. Replace bun tops. Serve with toppings.

[Spidey]

After the next two meals are served, The Snack Shack will be reserved. Hey that kinda rhymes. Don't worry your fuzzy little heads though, faithful patrons - just like good things come to those who wait, good things also come in threes. Hurry back, visitor...

[Yaz]

That is a new way to make butter burgers. I am gonna try that. Hope the next project is as fun a read as this one you handsome arachnid bastard.

[Spidey]

#16: Jennifer's Body

Theatrical Release: September 18, 2009

Appetizer: Other Movies That Released The Same Day

Click for Spoiler:

• Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
• The Informant!
• Love Happens
• Blind Date
• The Burning Plain
• Paris
• Fuel
• Disgrace
• Pretty Ugly People

Jennifer's Body is a supernatural black horror comedy starring Megan Fox as the titular character and Amanda Seyfried as the protagonist. It was written by Diablo Cody, who also wrote the script for Juno and Burlesque. Sort of in the same spirit as Ginger Snaps, a teenager goes through a monstrous metamorphosis - but this time the woman died in a virgin sacrifice while not being a virgin, therefore she becomes a demon. Her friend Needy is who the audience follows for most of the movie, and she obviously harbors some romantic feelings for Jennifer that she's not too clear about.

I watched this film in my teens, and I absolutely hated it. Back then, it was too cheesy and not scary/funny to me. I expected Ginger Snaps or Carrie but instead got another late millennial teen shlock film. I came in with high expectations because it was the first movie I saw Megan Fox in and everybody was obsessed with her at the time.

Looking back on it now, I was too harsh judging this flick. Sure, the plot is goofy, the scary bits probably wouldn't scare a child and the humor is severely hit or miss, but I get that it was trying to be different, and succeeds. It has more in common with Heathers than it does with The Ring. The dialogue is great and really drives the movie (even though the jargon is outdated. Ex. "salty" isn't today's "salty").

Jennifer represents the Id to Needy, someone completely comfortable with who they are while Needy harbors a repressed sexuality that hints at a budding gay identity. I don't think it's capitalized on particularly well, 2009 still treated this like lesbian pollen, so the subtext may be more plot convenience/fan service than I care to admit. But it is still worth mentioning. Side note: The Devil's Kettle is a great horror movie location.

There is also the downward spiral of narcissism in a time before selfies. Jennifer doesn't technically kill because of a newfound animalistic nature like Ginger, but because it makes her pretty. And when she goes without murder, she is seen as slightly less attractive, or as Needy points out at one point, "ugly for her".

It's missing "Jennifer's Body" by Hole and that's unforgivable. Seriously, they went with "Violet" but not that apt grunge hit? For shame.

Dig into something that's so bad it is not so bad. That probably only made sense in my head.


💀 💀 1/2

---

Tonight's Special: Pan-Seared Shrimp Po' Boy

"She's eating boys!"

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4)

1/3 cup reduced-fat mayonnaise
2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
1 tablespoon chopped shallots
1 teaspoon capers, chopped
1/4 teaspoon hot pepper sauce (such as Tabasco)
1 pound peeled and deveined large shrimp
1 1/2 teaspoons salt-free Cajun seasoning
2 teaspoons olive oil
4 (2 1/2-ounce) hoagie rolls
1/2 cup shredded romaine lettuce
8 thin tomato slices
4 thin red onion slices

1. Combine first 5 ingredients in a small bowl. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Combine shrimp and Cajun seasoning in a bowl; toss well. Add olive oil to pan, and swirl to coat. Add shrimp to pan; cook 2 minutes on each side or until done.

2. Cut each roll in half horizontally. Top bottom half of each roll with 2 tablespoons lettuce, 2 tomato slices, 1 onion slice, and one quarter of shrimp. Spread top half of each roll with about 2 tablespoons mayonnaise mixture; place on top of sandwich.

3. Carrot and cabbage slaw: Combine 4 cups shredded green cabbage and 1 cup shredded carrot in a large bowl. Combine 3 tablespoons reduced-fat mayonnaise, 1 tablespoon cider vinegar, and 1/4 teaspoon celery seeds in a small bowl. Add mayonnaise mixture to cabbage mixture; stir well.

[Spidey]

#17: The Bye Bye Man

Release Date: January 13, 2017

Appetizer: Fairly Popular Horror Movies Released In January

Click for Spoiler:

Cloverfield
Final Destination 2
From Dusk Til Dawn
Hostel
My Bloody Valentine 3D
The Mothman Prophecies
Tremors
Warm Bodies

The Bye Bye Man is a supernatural Horror film based on a chapter of Robert Damon Schneck's non-fiction book The President's Vampire from the chapter "The Bridge to Body Island". It's an allegedly true story about an albino serial killer who hopped trains and haunted any Wisconsinites who were talking about him or even thinking about him. The movie made 22.4 million in America alone, making more than three times its production budget. It finished above expectations at #4 in the Box Office that month.

I saw this movie in theaters because the trailer really caught my attention. Some entity that manifests virally through the power of thought? Even though I had reservations about the name of the title, I was naive and thought hey, new Horror icon. Haven't had one of those in a while. I'll bite.

Let me take a moment here to step away from this review and explain my rating system. I'm sure some of you look at Jennifer's Body or any other meh film featured and wanna ask "Hey Spidey, you're being a little gracious with these skulls. This movie was bad. Do you even know what you're doing?" Short answer is no, I don't know what I'm doing. None of us know what we are doing. Long answer is yes, my ratings stand because even if I don't wholly like the plot or think the acting is shit and the characters are abysmal, maybe there's something memorable there or at least a thing that entertained me. Sometimes it's so bad it's good. Other times it's just good old campy fun. Something that redeemable so I don't feel like I wasted my time.

This movie was not fun. It was not entertaining. It was not good. There is no redemption.

The mythos, the actual selling point of this fucking movie, is a stitched together abomination stolen from other monster movies that never escaped post-production. Guy has a hellhound, rides a train hobo-style, coins, etc and if you're looking for a hint of an explanation well it's not happening. Michael Myers may not have been forthcoming with why he was doing what he did, but we knew who he was in Halloween. The Bye Bye Man had interesting features about him but without a story behind those features it doesn't matter. "He's like the Grim Reaper" just doesn't cut it anymore.

Characters, especially the stupid psychic, are one-dimensional and not even in the classic "which slasher victim are they" way. Editing gave me a headache, the infamous tagline is uttered so much it loses meaning, and I totally believe with how this movie ended they are expecting to make this a franchise. Just...goddamn. Jumpscares aren't scary more than they are slightly annoying too. CGI was a mess to top it all off. Toss this dud in with the other half-assed PG-13 flicks, my dude.

The greatest tragedy for me is that the first few minutes of the film I thought were fantastic (albeit lighting was a tad overexposed). If the movie abandoned the modern day stuff and was about some suburban white guy going postal in a late 60s/early 70s period piece, fuck yeah sign me up for that. Got goosebumps already.

There was an idea here that could have been fleshed out with a few rewrites. Ah well. Oh, you wanted something to eat?

💀

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Tonight's Special: The Nothing Burger

What I got out of it. Wash your hands before and after you eat this aerated morsel.

INGREDIENTS (Serves ∞)













1.



2.




3.

[Spidey]

Greetings patrons! The next three reviews will be treated as a trilogy special, so I'm gonna have to ask you folks to make some room for our little season finale here. Don't worry - we'll be up and running again soon, just gonna need some time to clean up the blood...

For real though, I'm taking a small break with school starting back up. I'll still be around, and I may sling some goodies this way, but they won't be at Spidey speed. This will also give me some more time to focus on my other pet project: Rope Break TV. Some of you guys may be hungry for that. Anyways, this has been a killer ride and I'm thankful to see the views it's getting. I've always been partial to The Writing Gallery and hope to provide more stuff you readers can sink your teeth into.

Even though I won't be visiting the pantry as often, I still check the mailbox. If you have any questions or comments, please drop them off here for me. I love hearing from you. Maybe you'd like to know how I scale my reviews with the skulls. Maybe you have a special request you'd like me to watch. Whatever it is, please make yourself comfortable at one of our many booths. I'll be right with you.

The tables, unfortunately, will be occupied. Until next time, diners.