Choose Your Own Adventure - Vince McMahon

[EnviousDominous]

Donald stares a hole through Vince's head and says "This piece of shit represents the piece of shit that you put into my daughter!"

Vince shows a look of confusion and asks "I beg your pardon?"

Donald sneers back "The paternity test came back Vince, Ivanka became pregant with your child."

Vince shouts back "LIES! LIES! ALL LIES!" before stating in a normal tone "Could you please pull.your pants up."

Donald stands up and pulls up his pants while mumbling "You said you and she were going to talk business, but you obviously didn't do much talking!"

Vince chuckles and says "Well fine, I did it. A turd on my desk is a small price to pay for your hot ass daughter!"

Donald angrily messes up Vince's hair while saying "There's plenty more turds in store for you, believe that!"

Vince angrily waves away Donald's hand from messing up his hair and says "This time you've gone too far Donald! I am hereby revoking your Hall of Fame membership!"

Donald reacts to this news by...

A. Slapping Vince, thus challenging him to a duel

B. Getting on his knees, and pleading for mercy

C. Taking another dump on Vince's desk

D. Calling Linda McMahon, having just recorded the conversation

[Fallout]

I choose B this time.

[Jack-Hammer]

I went with A. It's just something that seems so in character with RKO.

[EnviousDominous]

(B wins, Mr. Hammer can opt to use his A for the next one or make a different choice.)

A wave of grief overcomes Donald's composure, and he falls to his knees (while still on the desk) and looks down at Vince who is still sitting.

"Vince, the WWE Hall of Fame is the most prestigious fraternity in the history of mankind! Without it, I have nothing else in this world to justify my pompous demeanor!" Donald pleaded.

Vince leans back in his chair with an evil grin and says "Be that as it may, I'm afraid that you're just not cool and hip enough to be in the Hall of Fame. Also; you took a shit on my desk."

Donald's eyes well up as the reality of his actions begin to catch up with him, and for the first time in his life he feels a faint sense of responsibility for what he's done.

"Vince, I..." Donald began to say before being interrupted by Vince saying "GET OFF MY FUCKING DESK!"

Donald stumbles as he gets off the desk, and steps on the turd causing him to slip. Donald does a full somersault in the air and lands sitting in Vince's lap.

Just then....

A. Randy Orton enters the office

B. The Fashion Police crash through the ceiling

C. A bald eagle crashes through the window

D. WWE Headquarters is swallowed in a massive sinkhole

[Skairipa]

I choose B

[EnviousDominous]

The ceiling over the area in front of Vince's desk erupts as Fandango and Tyler Breeze rappel down from the floor above. After landing on their feet, each man does a fashion walk toward the desk.

Vince says "Can I help you fine gentlemen?" While still holding a trembling Donald Trump in his arms.

Fandango responds by making a long "Shhhh" sound and reaching over the desk to put his finger on Vince's lips, Tyler Breeze then says "We are here to investigate a terrible crime that has taken place."

Fandango leans over the desk, and reaches into Donald Trump's pocket.

Donald says "You won't find anything of interest in there, trust me" before Fandango pulls out a red cap displaying the slogan "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN".

Tyler Breeze becomes very ill at the sight of the cap, as Fandago cautiously holds it between his fingertips.

Fandango turns to an invisible radio on his shoulder and says "We have an 8675309 in progress. Yes, that's right. A jingoistic ball cap that ironically requests that we make America great again, but are manufactured in China."

Donald leaps from Vince's lap and begins choking Fandango with his bare hands and screams "WHO DID YOU JUST CALL!? NOBODY NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE THOSE WERE MADE!"

Vince sighs and presses a button under his desk that causes a trap door to open underneath all three men. Donald falls, but Fandango and Breeze are still held by their harnesses and are suspended in the air.

Fandango laughs to himself and turns to Tyler Breeze saying "I bet that Vincent feels very silly right now". Vince takes a paint ball gun out of his desk and starts casually shooting Fandango and Tyler Breeze with paint balls for the next four hours.

Vince exits his office and takes an express elevator to the first floor of WWE Headquarters. As the elevator reaches the floor just before the lobby, the elevator stops and...

A. Ronda Rousey enters with a mean look

B. The Undertaker enters with a casket

C. Mick Foley enters with a bucket of chili

D. The Velveteen Dream enters in an effort to escape from Lindsey Lohan

[Fallout]

D this time.

[EnviousDominous]

Vince groans and rolls his eyes as the elevator stops at the second floor and says outloud "This is supposed to be an express elevator! It doesn't stop at any other floor!"

The doors to the elevator are forced open and The Velveteen Dream rushes inside while wearing his usual wrestling attire, causing Vince to panic and cower in the corner while covering his eyes.

"YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT! JUST DON'T HURT ME!" Vince shrieks.

"Pardonnez-moi monsieur Vince? It's me, The Dream." Velveteen says in a calm tone.

Vince uncovers his eyes and stands up. "Sorry Velvet Man, I thought you were umm.." he said.

"Look Vince, I get it. We can have a chat about this later, but right now we have a much bigger problem." Velveteen said.

Vince looks at how the wall of his building was destroyed to access the express elevator from the second floor. "Yeah, I'd say that we have a whole day of problems to iron out." he said.

A loud unnatural wail is heard in the distance.

Velveteen turns to Vince with a look of horror and says "She's coming Vince, we have to..." before being interrupted by the disheveled image of Lindsay Lohan standing in front of the open elevator who says "RUN!"

Velveteen hides behind Vince, and Lindsay steps into the elevator rips the control panel off the wall.

"Now there's no escape!" Lindsay said in an English accent right before the elevator immediately descends one floor and the doors open normally.

"So what! You'll never get by me!" Lindsay said.

Velveteen blows glitter in Lindsay's face, and she becomes so distracted that Vince and Velveteen are able to escape the elevator and rush into the lobby.

Lindsay runs after Vince and Velveteen screaming "I WILL HAVE YOU PRINCE!"

Members of security attempt to block Lindsay's advance, and all attempts are in vain as Lindsay displays superhuman strength by knocking them down like bowling pins.

Velveteen shows amazing acrobatic ability by hopping feet first into the open sunroof of a Honda Civic and starts the car after landing gracefully in the driver's seat. Vince attempts to jump headfirst into the sunroof, and becomes stuck in an upside-down position with his legs kicking in the air. The car refuses to start however.

Lindsay exits WWE Headquarters and starts to tip the Honda Civic over, when Velveteen is able to get the engine started causing Lindsay to drop the car. Velveteen speeds away.

"Why was Lindsay Lohan chasing you!?" Vince shouts.

"She thinks that I'm Prince, and she apparently hates being told "no" for whatever reason. Drives her batty." Velveteen said while casually cruising through streets of Connecticut.

"How did she get so strong?" Vince asked.

"Crack" Velveteen replied.

"Oh yeah, that explains it." Vince said with a matter of fact tone. Suddenly, the car is rammed from behind by Lindsay Lohan driving a Humvee.

"I WON'T BE DENIED!" Lindsay shrieked in a Hispanic acent.

Velveteen calls 911 on his dash-mounted hands-free smartphone. The operator says "911, what's your emergency?"

Vince screams "LINDSAY LOHAN IS TRYING TO KILL US!"

The operator says "Oh no. We got another one. Sir, try to remain calm. Are you currently being pursued by Lindsay Lohan in a vehicle."

Vince and Velveteen each respond "Yes."

The operator says "Listen carefully, I need you to bail out of the vehicle. It's your only..."

Velveteen turns on cruise control, and immediately opens his door and tucks and rolls to bail out of the vehicle.

"WAIT! I'M STUCK IN THE SUNROOF!" Vince screams as Lindsay rams the vehicle again having not noticed that Velveteen bailed out.

The operator responds "I'm sorry Sir, but we're only permitted to handle one emergency at a time. You'll have to call back and.."

The Honda Civic plunges off a cliff and lands in the Atlantic Ocean.

Vince is submerged in water, and manages to break free of the vehicle which sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Vince struggles to stay above the surface of the water, unable to see an area where he can safely return to shore.

A school of hungry Sharks begin to circle Vince. Vince closes his eyes, and accepts his fate. WHEN SUDDENLY...

A. Captain Mike Rotunda's massive yacht appears

B. Waylon Mercy's run-down house boat appears

C. Shark Boy, who was among the sharks, recognizes Vince and tells his friends to back off

D. Tugboat appears in a Tugboat that's tugging another Tugboat

[Skairipa]

C sounds like fun.

[EnviousDominous]

Shark Boy wades in front of Vince to block his friends from attacking, and shouts in a deep Southern accent "Nē, rapusukarion, watashi wa anata ni bamūsu ga hitsuyōdesu! Anata wa makumahon-san o fukai ni shite imasu!"

Vince starts screaming for help as he imagines that his situation has become even worse than before, saying "THIS CRAZY FISH PERSON IS SPEAKING IN TONGUES!" This causes Vince to expel the air from his lungs, and sink, and sink, and sink.

Shark Boy stops screaming to his friends, realizing that Vince has disappeared. Shark Boy dives and swims as fast as he can, and eventually manages to catch up to Vince where he holds his breath and puts his mask on Vince's head. Shark Boys covers his face with one hand due to his extreme shyness.

Vince realizes that he can now breath, and happily swims upwards believing that all of his worries are now over. Shark Boy frantically swims after Vince and reaches the surface at the same time.

"I can't breath without that mask dude!" Shark Boy shouted.

"Why aren't you speaking that mumbo jumbo from before!?" Vince shouts through the mask.

"That was Japanese, it's the only language that sharks understand. And you need to give me back that mask, it has magic powers that you can't fathom." Shark Boy said.

"Magic powers? Like, can I travel through time?" Vince asked.

Shark boy appears very nervous and says "Of course not, that's very silly. You can't travel through time using the..." before being interrupted by Vince saying "Magic mask, I order you to take me back to 50 BC so I can hit on Cleopatra."

Bubbles rip around Vince and Shark Boy, causing Shark Boy to say "We didn't go back in time Vince."

Vince begins to say "But the bubbles..." only to have Shark Boy respond with "You farted. The mask doesn't respond with voice commands. You have to hold a picture of the place and time you want to go, and then hump the air three times."

Vince stares at Shark Boy for a minute. Shark Boy says "So should I take you back to land or..." only to have Vince say "SHUT UP! NOBODY INTERRUPTS ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN WHEREVER I'M ABOUT TO TAKE YOU!"

Vince rummages through his submerged pockets looking for a photograph, while Shark Boy says "You can't bring me with you, it doesn't work that way." Vince responds by grabbing Shark Boy's hand and thus revealing his face, Shark Boy frantically swims away screaming "TASUKETE!" multiple times.

Vince finds a photograph and pulls it out. He views a photograph of...

A. Triple H dressed as Kane, holding Katie Vick's brain matter

B. Val Venis suspended in the air, about to have his penis chopped off

C. Hulk Hogan being smushed between The Giant and the Yeti

D. Brock Lesnar going crazy on the plane ride from Hell